你不知道的事
王力宏

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛 才学会飞行
夜空洒满了星星 但几颗会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 还听见呼吸
对不起 我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨
碎了满地 在心里清晰

你不知道我为什么狠下心
盘旋在你看不见的高空里
多的是 你不知道的事

我飞行 但你坠落之际
你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像 倾盆大雨
碎了满地 在心里清晰

你不知道我为什么狠下心
多的是 你不知道的事
盘旋在你看不见的高空里

i guessed i just need some courage.. have been talking to quite a number of people on the issue that has been bothering me.. in the end, after someone did an analysis for me and i wonder why that was even an issue to begin with.. i am just too stupid to be deceited by the apparent truth.. i guess i knew i had to dwell deeper but i had no courage to do so.. but the analyzer told me that hard facts and i was woken up all of a sudden..

i guess it is really time to move on.. oh well, this was supposed to be a game.. why do i feel sort of sad? i guess i am just confused and timid..

anyway i decided not to buy that darn non-cam blackberry cos i was waiting far too long.. so i went to buy the HTC Touch.. actually it is not bad, i am still exploring.. so i have already dl the bible in eng, chinese and german into my hp =)

oh well, anyway, it is too late.. he doesn't have to do anything anymore.. i am too tired of all the indecisiveness and the long waiting.. i guess he is a blackberry.. hopefully a HTC Touch will appear soon =)

wa.. i guess i am sick.. and i called him to realise that he was with his friends.. i wanted to ask him to come and find me.. but i knew that would be too selfish.. and i have no faith that he will just abandon his frens and come look for me.. so in the end, i didn't ask cos i will be sad if he don't accede if i asked..

and it was abt 4pm and i realised i am still sickly so i told him i could not meet him tonight.. i thought he would call to check if i am alright but he didnt.. he just sms.. probably he was with his frens and so he didnt want others to speculate who he is talking to..

for once, i just felt that i wasn't so important in his life.. and that i over-estimate myself.. maybe afterall, he isn't oblige to do so..

and i wanted to go out with mq and xl tonight but mq wanted to go town.. i realised that i am staying in a too ulu place.. gg anywhere is impossible.. i am really too sickly to move..

sometimes a single action just kills everything..

anyway, Inception is so nice.. and i start to realise that one really do have control of his mind.. i finally understand why people lost hope as time passes by..

i guess inception sort of works, and i am happy because i know that my heart will be protected..

my mind is sort of resistant to changes.. but then i will forget all the unhappy thing soon.. i know i can.. i am ready to embrace this world..

请上天赐给我一颗平静的心，
让我可以接受那些无法改变的事情，
请上天赐给我勇气，
让我可以改变那些可以改变的事情，
请上天赐给我智慧，
让我可以分清这两者。

爱一个人只要放在心底就可以了，
心底的感情，是不会被人夺走的，
也不用害怕失去，
所以，现在我的心是满满的。
无论走到哪里，
都是平静而安详的。
谢谢你，给了我一颗平静的心。-http://www.jimmyspa.com/blog/xhq361711706/206772/detailed.jimmy

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen - Reinhold Nihbur

i am so sad.. why do i have no courage to leave him?? why?? disgusting me.. nvm, at least i knew this was not the case anymore..

i guess everyone takes alot of courage to end.. but i guess i have to end it soon.. i am a very selfish girl.. the longer it drags, the more painful it takes to get over thing..

oh well, i felt like crying.. everything is so screwed up..

it is just so sickening sometime.. i wonder why my heart is confused.. my heart is so stupid.. my heart is so idiotic..

anyway, i kept telling myself not to see him ever again becos our paths are diverging but somehow we still see each other.. this is so sickening.. i am so worried that i will be so accustomed to him.. he seems to be nicer and could tolerate everything.. but then it seems like the society forbids us to be together.. the worst is the last time we were out and he had to go home to put something.. his mum was at home so i didnt even want to go in.. he insisted that i went in.. and guess wat? his mum said the same thing that society said.. and the stupidest thing being he told me what his mum told him.. loitered in his house for 2 hours plus and then met his dad when we were going out..

actually i didnt even think so much abt it.. it was my friend who pointed that he shouldn't have conveyed everything his mum told him to me.. maybe it shows that he just don't care..

time doesn't seems to subside the emotions.. nevertheless, my belief did diminish..

soon my belief will dip to a very low level and i could just take a very deep breath and let go..

oh well, today is the last day of 2 weeks.. hmmm.. anyway, last thurs was quite drama.. cos i was already quite stressed and he did stupid thing that made me flare.. worse still he called me at 5am when he saw my sms..

anyway, i felt so sianz when he tried to say those stupid thing that pissed me so off.. i guessed i had enough.. anyway, i hope everything will just fade away with time.. i told him that he should not care abt if he has been giving me the wrong impression or what.. cos he just think too much.. cos the guy whom i used to like alot is super nice to me and i don't think he'll be willing to be so nice to me.. and from all the thing he had done and said, he will only come to me if he is super despo which i did not want at all.. and it does not need so long to know if u love someone..

i felt that i should just stop bothering him anymore.. it is too tiring le.. why can't our friendship be just a platonic one?? sigh.. sometimes i too wonder if i really have fallen for him... i will prevent myself from doing so..

oh well.. i am so emo now.. i don't know why i am feeling this way.. felt like calling him but changed my mind.. cos i knew he'll be leaving me soon.. and i don't want to be so dependable on him now..

so last week he told me that we should just take a 2 weeks break from each other.. we were meeting each other practically every single day..

too tired now, shall just sleep now.. tomorrow is such a looooooooong day.. got a job interview in the morning and i will be training pple on the software procedure..

crapz..

wa i wondered why i even gone to work today.. cos i was so sad that i teared uncontrollably.. so many shitty thing happened and then some weird r/s problem.. our situation is so bad that today i finally told him what my concerns were..

and he agreed that there is very complicated problem between us.. he asked if we should just stop seeing each other anymore because he thinks that this will end pretty soon.. this was discussed in the later part of the night and there was no conclusion when we rushed for the last train..

we were so confused over this problem and in the end, he called to continue the discussion.. for some reason, he was uttering weird sentences and then i gave up and decided to let him sleep while we continue tomorrow..

i can sense that this will be ending pretty fast and i don't know we should just end it earlier since the situation is so complicated now.. the work matter i confirm dead le, now left with this complicated situation hanging in the air.. i guess i dont want it to end today.. but maybe i will end it tmr.. if he still said those stupid thing that he dont mean it.. sianz..

i am so sad.. u know i hate to leave but i have no choice.. i thought of doing the airforce open house next year but i dont have a chance anymore..

and i always thought that someone was very nice to me and i realise that he might be a spy.. he actually told me that he told some other thing i think a sane person should have said to another one.. he said that he was trying to help me and didnt mean anything bad..

it is so weird whenever i am very upset i will bump into him.. i will always see him with some girls and i dont even know if i shld just hi and bye to him fast.. then he will always assume that i am jealous.. sigh

i was so upset today but i cannot bear to ask him to accompany me cos he is very tired and he was also with 2 other gals.. hmmm.. well, at least he didnt talk to me cos i might be tempted to confide in him lor.. and he had lost my trust le..

these few days i am so disgusted!! everything just pissed me off.. esp when i thought that my colleagues would celebrate my bdae with me then in the end they never!! oh well..

oh ya, i thought of quitting my job but i cant cos i need some time to look for a new one.. everything here has suddenly become so sad.. and u know i am always coupled with mission impossible to the extent that i am now very exhausted when i knew watever my contribution is now no longer matters.. i gotta go really..

anyway from now till the day i leave i will work hard and not let my angels down.. so many people have been convincing me that my efforts will be recognised and wat not shit..

wa lau.. u think i dont know is a lie meh?

playing with fire..

sigh.. in the past i hardly update my blog but now i am spamming my blog so much today cos i am simply bored and sad.. i got tonnes of work to do.. i could have drawn a list of sponsor for the event i will be organising.. or rather i should have done it..

hmmm.. i am trying to wake my semi-conscious mind up.. but it was futile.. my mind is so dead that it needs more time to wake up.. my semi-conscious mind is nasty.. my thoughts wander to the little devil.. the devil told me to play with fire because the devil told me that i might not even live that long to get my finger burnt..

forget it, i needa do some research on one medical condition.. hmmm.. will finish that chapter soon..

confusion..

my life is so screwed up now.. since 2 weeks ago when i kena some virus.. darn..

and now 2 of my events were over and i only got some of my primary work to do.. did not even OT last 2 weeks or do any work after work.. hmmm.. but my busy week will start next week..

so i am so confused recently.. my mind worked only when i needed it to do my work.. when i was not doing work, my mind will go completely blank.. my mind was so blank and thus i could not differentiate the right and wrong.. hmmm.. now my mind is semi-conscious.. i think i better stop doing anything wrong fr now onwards.. or i am worried i might hate myself.. i must learn not to succumb temptation..