Saturday, 26 January 2008
as i grow older, i unwittingly realized that something are simply not within my control..
朽木不可雕也
how true is this.. sometime u tried so hard to carve a hopeless wood into something spectacular..
becos u have the faith that it could be done.. because u have the naivety that there is miracle if u believe..
u spent so much time to carve out something from the rotten piece of wood by exhaustively exploring various alternatives because the wood is too rotten for u to simply carve out something easy.. but somehow or the other, the wood try to resist being carved into something pretty and it let itself decomposed more and more into a even harder task..
u tried to spent money to allow it to become something useful but yet it still resist against it..
i guess it is my fault..
i m so sorry..
i never think in the perspective of the wood..
the wood just happy being a rotten piece of cheap wood and yet i still want it to become something precious.. i must not imposed my hope, or rather my opinion, on the piece of wood anymore..
i shall now channel all the time and money onto myself..
there are people who had disappointed me but i guess it is ok cos they are not related to me anyway.. but people whom i treasured so much still disappoint me.. i guess it is time to let go..
perhaps the wood is much happier being a rotten piece of wood..
i swear i will never impose anything on the wood anymore..
haiz.. must learn to be happy today.. cos tmr will be a gloomy day i guess.. in a few more hours time i will be embarking on a journey to familiarity once again.. but to bid farewell...............
Friday, 25 January 2008
good bye to my grandma..
my impression of her is me buying a small packet of her favorite raisin biscuit with the little pocket money i got from my mother.. and she would also speak to me in hokkien and i always won't really fully understand what was talking about.. yet i liked her alot..
my impression of her is very misty.. perhaps i have not seen her for such a long time due to some quarrel and disharmony.. i remembered she had stayed in my house before and she was very nice.. yet i liked her alot..
she is very important because without her, there wouldnt be my mother.. without my mother, there wouldnt be me.. i am sure she was very good with the upbringing of my mother and therefore my mum could impart precious values to me..
anyway, i will be offering my last respect to her on sunday.. i will be going to my mum's hometown this sunday.. get ready my passort.. cross the bridge to another country.. and pay my deepest respect to her..
Sunday, 20 January 2008
haiz.. didnt know why i m feeling so sleepy everyday.. just like i woke up at 10am yesterday.. watched some tv and then falled asleep at 3pm and woke up at 7pm.. then ate dinner, watched tv and slept at 1am.. it seems like i was invaded by the sleeping bug..
seems like recently i just felt so tired.. in the sense that i hope i can quickly get my project done and then do something more useful with the remaining of my time..
there is so many thing i want to do but i have yet to do..
i want to eat the donuts from the donuts factory.. i m not a donut freak but it is just that i m pretty curious with the popular donut.. really want to try but just got turn off by the long queue.. probably after my last paper this sem, i will have all the time in the world to queue for those stupid donuts.. but wait a minute.. probably i wouldnt do it.. i have no patience for waiting for thing..
i want to loiter around singapore aimlessly for a few days.. it would be fantastic if my mind is blank and i just walked around anywhere without a destination in mind.. wouldnt it be great?
i want to sit in front of the tv from the time i wake up to the time i sleep..
i want to work in a high class restaurant as a waitress..
i want to play my violin full time everyday..
i want to walk down the path again..
Friday, 18 January 2008
until now i can never understand why..
why did devil always want me dead? what can he gain from watching me grief over the loss of 4g of compound which is the 4th step of the reaction which consists of a column purification which took 4 hours.. why did he want me dead?
perhaps he is a sadist.. he like to derive pleasure from my disappointment.. from my anger..
ok.. even if he is a sadist.. but of all person why me? why did he let me lose the 4 g of compound today.. and i was so helpless.. should i do a darn column to retrieve some of the starting material or to start from step 1 once again.. and to reach this will take 1 week.. why am i in such a dire situation?
and the stupid devil.. let me fail in so many thing.. studies (got a B- last sem.. a B last last sem.. which cause my CAP to dip..).. relationships..
i dont understand why some people can have a nice family, a nice bf/gf, a good results, a good and promising future ahead and luck while all i have are nothing but super bad luck..
and the devil even want to take away my 4 g of compound that i have painstakingly synthesized..
shit..
i m really disgusted..
sianz..
and why the hell do i have to use recycled Palladium carbon? wa man.. i really cannot stand it anymore.. does the recycled thing cause the failure of my reaction? shit.. can i have new palladium carbon?
this is utter nonsense..
and it really makes no sense to me..
why must circumstances always force me to be fatalistic?
why?
shit.. i hate it man..
Saturday, 12 January 2008
shudders..
recently i start to deceive myself that true love exists.. yesh.. for some unexplainable reasons, i envisaged a life where me and my prince live happily ever after.. probably is due to german 3 ba.. there is a chapter on fairytale and i kept thinking about cinderella and beauty and the beast although these 2 stories were not discussed in the module.. haha..
it is indeed romantic to have someone love u becos he loves u rather than becos u r pretty.. just like how beauty still marry the ugly beast.. it is indeed gratifying to have a guardian angel to shield u from all the rain and storm.. and someone who will always free u from all the sufferings and pull u away from imminent danger .. just like how the prince and cinderella..
thank god.. someone was there to wake me up.. thank god man..
haha..
cos i was talking to one of my fren.. he is married le.. then he talked about those relationship thing.. he said in a relationship, we must look up for something more than love.. thing that makes us interdependent on each other.. so this interdependence will make us stay together.. and whatever good thing u unto onto ur partner after marriage is an investment.. it is sort of like u can get the favor back someday.. not that making use of each other but rather some sort of interdepence which will then increase the closeness between them.. wow.. chim.. hahha..
then i was so shocked to see a biblical quote in a christian magazine.. saying that we should choose someone who takes care of their physical temple.. i nearly fainted.. even religion also says that it is not guilty of us to fall in love with pretty pple cos they know how to take care of their physical temple and we ought to take care of our physical temple.. faint..
and friends recently were saying thing like
wow.. i saw a very nice shirt..
u mean the guy wearing it is nice or the shirt is nice?
of course the shirt is nice la.. the guy cmi..
shudders..
the worst thing is that i did an online survey thingy.. the results of the survey is rather disturbing.. results of the survey in the nutshell: u have no car.. ur look is average.. it is indeed hard for u to be involved romantically.. work hard to secure cars and good clothes to increase ur chance..
shudders..
i understand that this sucks big time.. but at least i was awakened from my dream.. thank god..
no more cinderella and her prince..
no more beauty and the beast..
it is just huifang and her poodle dog.. =)
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
please trust me that it hurts my heart when i decide to give it up.. it comes to a point when i know that it is just too much committement and uncertainty.. i can't even decide what i want to do with my future.. shld i work or graduate studies? if work, where? if graduate studies, where?
and right now i feel that it is good not to make any decision before settling more important issues in life..
haha.. nevertheless i realize that i know what i want to do for my grad tour.. and probably i will be doing it alone.. it is okay la.. last yr or so, there was so many gossips about me not having bf cos i was too fat and no guys will ever want me unless i slim up or wat.. but the funniest thing is that i m not daunted by those hear says and interestingly i m still as fat as ever.. whahaha..
so right now i will be probably embarking on a trip alone.. it is okay la.. if those gossipers are true.. then i will probably then lead a life on my own in the future.. so what is so big deal about going to a trip alone leh?
yah.. after service last weekend, i begin to believe that love is all about externality.. forget it man.. i not going to change or wat.. cos i simply don't see the need to..
cos i know that i will not treasure him anyway if he were to enter my life cos i am pretty and slim..
oh ya..
why m i crapping?
cos i m just upset that i must give up.. sianz..
must overcome the sadness soon.. progress report in 6 days time.. *faint*
giving up is no big deal..
Friday, 4 January 2008
sometimes i cannot help but wonder.. what if i do this instead of that.. what if i took the initiative? what if i spent more time reading my notes.. what if i attempted all the tutorial questions by myself before tutorial discussion.. what if i didnt flare up at people.. what if i say hello to a stranger i have never known but yet i feel the intense emotion of potential friendship..
we are pathetic being.. we can only choose one action at any point in time.. because i believe doppel effect never do exist in this dimension.. hence, if u choose to say hello to a stranger, u will only know the consequence of saying hello to him and not that of simply ignoring him.. and vice versa..
therefore, if u do badly for a test though u might have put in tremendous effort.. the reverse that if u put in even less effort, u might do even worse might not also hold.. because u might have put in too much effort that u study late till 4am.. consuming ridiculous quantities of caffeine, and feeling like a zombie throughout the day... if u were to study lesser, u might have sufficient sleeps and rest.. sometimes a healthy and clear mind can better help ace in examination.. sometimes it is the quality and not the quantity that matters.. nevertheless, it is also indeed possible that if more effort is put in, u might have acquired more knowledge to deal with the exams question and therefore will not do that badly..
therefore, even if u know the outcome of one situation, u cannot confidently predict the outcome of the opposing situation...
this is what puzzles me all the time.. and sometimes i think about it and get myself lost in my thoughts..
so today i forgo the chance to talk to a stranger.. hence there is no possibility that we can be friend.. but yet if i talk to him, does it necessarily mean that we will definitely become friend? or simply the person will shake me off cos the person will be startled by my unexplainable friendliness..
if only i can exist in a dimension where i can talk and yet not talk to that stranger.. i bet i will know what yields from the situation..
why am i so persistent in knowing outcome of both scenerio? because i m always overwhelmed with curiosity due to this.. and this will not serve me good simply cos i m a cat..
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
memories
what greeted me this new year morning when i opened my eyes were images of me walking down the lane once again.. the pain of not being able to walk down the lane anymore simply just pricks me in my heart and my head..
then i was thinking about possibilities of going back to the beautiful place once again.. yet it seems so unrealistic and so impractical.. why can't i have absolute control of my life?
what i hated most was that whatever i am now deprived of is due to my own deeds.. in another words, i m merely just reaping what i have sown.. and sadly, life does not necessarily always give us a second chance.. becos we are all grown up.. we should take full-pfledge responsibilities for our actions..
on thinking about this, my heart aches once again..
if only i can go back time, i promise i will not repeat my mistake.. nonsense.. the big IF is a impossible condition.. what has done can never be undone.. what can now be done is to accept it and move on..
i know i have missed the opportunity to a happy life.. i shall now just settle for the second best.. no point wallowing in self pity for not getting the first best.. becos i m sure tonnes of people also don't get their first best.. well.. c'est la vie..
p/s: but what is the second best in life?? and hence my new yr resolution.............
