oh well.. i am so emo now.. i don't know why i am feeling this way.. felt like calling him but changed my mind.. cos i knew he'll be leaving me soon.. and i don't want to be so dependable on him now..

so last week he told me that we should just take a 2 weeks break from each other.. we were meeting each other practically every single day..

too tired now, shall just sleep now.. tomorrow is such a looooooooong day.. got a job interview in the morning and i will be training pple on the software procedure..

crapz..

wa i wondered why i even gone to work today.. cos i was so sad that i teared uncontrollably.. so many shitty thing happened and then some weird r/s problem.. our situation is so bad that today i finally told him what my concerns were..

and he agreed that there is very complicated problem between us.. he asked if we should just stop seeing each other anymore because he thinks that this will end pretty soon.. this was discussed in the later part of the night and there was no conclusion when we rushed for the last train..

we were so confused over this problem and in the end, he called to continue the discussion.. for some reason, he was uttering weird sentences and then i gave up and decided to let him sleep while we continue tomorrow..

i can sense that this will be ending pretty fast and i don't know we should just end it earlier since the situation is so complicated now.. the work matter i confirm dead le, now left with this complicated situation hanging in the air.. i guess i dont want it to end today.. but maybe i will end it tmr.. if he still said those stupid thing that he dont mean it.. sianz..

i am so sad.. u know i hate to leave but i have no choice.. i thought of doing the airforce open house next year but i dont have a chance anymore..

and i always thought that someone was very nice to me and i realise that he might be a spy.. he actually told me that he told some other thing i think a sane person should have said to another one.. he said that he was trying to help me and didnt mean anything bad..

it is so weird whenever i am very upset i will bump into him.. i will always see him with some girls and i dont even know if i shld just hi and bye to him fast.. then he will always assume that i am jealous.. sigh

i was so upset today but i cannot bear to ask him to accompany me cos he is very tired and he was also with 2 other gals.. hmmm.. well, at least he didnt talk to me cos i might be tempted to confide in him lor.. and he had lost my trust le..

these few days i am so disgusted!! everything just pissed me off.. esp when i thought that my colleagues would celebrate my bdae with me then in the end they never!! oh well..

oh ya, i thought of quitting my job but i cant cos i need some time to look for a new one.. everything here has suddenly become so sad.. and u know i am always coupled with mission impossible to the extent that i am now very exhausted when i knew watever my contribution is now no longer matters.. i gotta go really..

anyway from now till the day i leave i will work hard and not let my angels down.. so many people have been convincing me that my efforts will be recognised and wat not shit..

wa lau.. u think i dont know is a lie meh?

playing with fire..

sigh.. in the past i hardly update my blog but now i am spamming my blog so much today cos i am simply bored and sad.. i got tonnes of work to do.. i could have drawn a list of sponsor for the event i will be organising.. or rather i should have done it..

hmmm.. i am trying to wake my semi-conscious mind up.. but it was futile.. my mind is so dead that it needs more time to wake up.. my semi-conscious mind is nasty.. my thoughts wander to the little devil.. the devil told me to play with fire because the devil told me that i might not even live that long to get my finger burnt..

forget it, i needa do some research on one medical condition.. hmmm.. will finish that chapter soon..

confusion..

my life is so screwed up now.. since 2 weeks ago when i kena some virus.. darn..

and now 2 of my events were over and i only got some of my primary work to do.. did not even OT last 2 weeks or do any work after work.. hmmm.. but my busy week will start next week..

so i am so confused recently.. my mind worked only when i needed it to do my work.. when i was not doing work, my mind will go completely blank.. my mind was so blank and thus i could not differentiate the right and wrong.. hmmm.. now my mind is semi-conscious.. i think i better stop doing anything wrong fr now onwards.. or i am worried i might hate myself.. i must learn not to succumb temptation..

i was so depressed last week over my virus attack.. and alot of shit happened and then another shit happened..

my colleague KT was back from ICT on Tue.. KT was supposed to be back on Mon so i nearly killed him when i realised he took off on mon cos i am his covering person for all his job.. but i am so grateful when he helped me solve one of my problem.. he is my dear colleague who i like alot..

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anyway due to my saddness i finally had the chance to understand him (the person as mentioned in my previous entry) at a deeper level.. i wonder if he is someone with hidden agenda when he came over to lend me a hand.. but i denied all that because i wanted to believe in our friendship.. i didn't know how thing worked and we had a mutual understanding that we would just be friends.. but in the end, he started to be so close to me and hold my hands.. i knew him too well that he could not have liked me because i am not those kind of pretty girls he fancies.. besides, i cannot be in a r/s now..

and after that, he did something that totally disappointed me.. despite my popularity, he always thought that i am a piece of junk and he most probably thought that i was unwanted cos he snarled when i told him certain things..

i thought we could have been very good friend because we think so alike.. but now he crossed the line.. i just want to know what was on his mind when he came to hold my hands..

and today he heard some rumors abt me and MZ.. he attempted to call me but i never returned his call.. then he sms-ed me that MZ expression was very funny when someone teased me and MZ.. he tried to tell me that even MZ think that it is a shame to be involved in a rumor with me.. but little did he know that MZ and i were involved in rumors many times le, and MZ never did or said anything ungentlemanly to those gossipers.. my other rumored bfs also never said thing bad abt me..

oh well, i just want to know what was on his mind when he held my hands.. is it he thought that no one will ever want to hold my hands and thus he is doing me a charity service to hold my hands??

oh ya, these few days super depressed.. somehow i transferred my negativity to one of my friend.. he accompanied me after work.. anyway, probably i am really a selfish person, i didnt ask him to go home to rest despite he was tired..

oh ya, i rmb the day when i shed some tears in office, he came to eat lunch with me.. he explained that he hates rumors but then it seems like he had no choice.. i didnt shed tears on purpose but i just could not help it lor.. we ate for more than an hour.. and i tin my boss knew i mia but then she didnt complain or wat as i think she knew that I am upset..

how do u know if someone is the one for u? do real love really know no boundary?? wow..

anyway i am too tired.. i wish that i could have a day off at work and we can just go out together =D