the little girl and cakes and pizza

once upon a time, there was a girl who love cakes but she concealed love for cakes because her mum would never buy the cakes for her.. the girl was disappointed.. she tried to manipulate her mind and forced herself to believe that she did not like to eat cakes.. the little girl never had any impression of her mum buying her a cake at all.. she would stare with admiration and jealousy when her mum bought her little sis a cake every year.. one year, the little girl decided to buy herself a cake.. she ate the cake but it didn't taste good.. the horrible taste lingered in her mouth, refusing to go away.. the little girl cried.. she couldn't understand why that cake tasted so bad.. it was her first cake that she ever owned after long waits for her mum or just someone else to buy her a cake..

this little girl also liked to eat pizza.. but her mum never would buy her pizza.. there was once she was back from school and her mum told her that she had bought her a pizza.. the little girl was excited and rushed to the kitchen.. but she did not see any large flat square box.. then her mum pointed to a white plastic bag that seems too small to contain the pizza.. anyway, there was no pan pizza at that time.. the box in the plastic bag appeared to be round rather than square.. she knew that there was something amiss.. she opened the bag and saw a round transparent plastic box that contained a big round bread smeared with tomato sauce with toppings which included a tiny amount of ham, corn and peas and those cheapo sausage.. her heart sank when she saw that.. she would rather have something else, maybe those cheapo white bread than that piece of bread.. she smelt and took a bite.. she told her mum that she didn't like the piece of dough.. her mum was very furious and forced her to finish the pizza cos she bought it specially for her.. the little girl teared when she struggled to finish the awful dough and whenever she passed by bakery and saw the kind of dough, she just feel very sad..

the little girl still liked to eat cakes and pizza.. but her mum had yet and would never buy her those..

p/s:
to the little girl:
你一定要坚强!! 反正，蛋糕和皮萨吃多了会变肥..

am watching 命中注定我爱你.. a very nice show.. the fact that a rich guy would rather give up a pretty girl for someone who is so plain and does not know how to dress well is quite ridiculous.. nevertheless, the story is nice..

i sympathetise with Anna.. she is a very talented ballet dancer.. she finally attained her dream of being the first asian to play the role of the white swan on an international stage.. however, it was shattered when she slipped out to visit her bf (the main role).. she was expelled and there will never be a future for her in ballet.. her bf subsequently fell in love with someone else.. she set up a ballet school but in the end, she got into trouble and her school had to stop its operation.. but the unrealistic part came in and her long lost brother found her and became her saviour.. and then quite happily ever after for her.. i was like.. what the crapz? in life.. when u r fated to go under, fate will never alllow u to rebound.. that is impossible!!

anyway, i am feeling sad recently and blogging abt it.. not to attract attention or wat.. as if my blog readership is a few thousand daily.. anyway, i have removed my blog add from my msn nickname.. i cannot attract attention.. u mean someone will want to make me happy by buying me a time machine to allow me to go back in time? and when i am back in time, i can happily relive my life and not make any stupid mistake and that person also would buy me flower and bear for my graduation ceremony ma? i know i am talking crapz.. cos there is no time machine in the first place and even if there is.. i will have to buy it myself.. i could probably change my major and also not work in the bank.. that is the most i could do.. the time machine can never allow me to (brutally) force anyone to buy me flower and bear on my graduation right? the purpose of the time machine is solely to go back in time ya?

i did something quite unfeeling today.. i mean i would not be like tt in the past.. heck la.. after all the crap that happens recently i realised that 做好人for wat? 好人只会被人当作便利贴..

i am so disgusted by people who are super bitchy.. i was so pissed today that i was forced to answer some personal questions and thank for reminding me that i was not accepted by medical school.. i felt uneasy when i was told that my grades for A level should be sufficient for med.. what the?

got weird feeling in my stomach today and an woman sat next to me vomitted.. my stomach feel very worse.. damn it.. how many person actually has the "chance" to sit next to someone on the bus who subsequently vomit? it is only me.. the super unlucky person! the sight of it just turned me off..

so pissed.. an insurance agent wanted to approach me when i was beaming with anger.. i signaled him not to approach me.. he still came forward, in the end, i let out a sound angrily.. and stomped off.. oh pls.. i have already warned him.. i hate thing from the planet mar.. idiotic..

was badly constipated today as well.. ate 4 slices of papaya and 1 banana.. hope that constipation would be gone tmr.. if not, i will buy laxative liaoz..

don't know why i am ended up with nowhere to go.. so in the end, i took a bus.. initially i wanted to alight at somewhere familiar.. but i missed the stop.. i walked so long to get to that place.. damn it..

yeah.. tmr i am going to do something i dont like.. never mind, i m used to this kind of shit already..

so i am not allowed to choose the way i want to live..

damn.. i am having constipation now.............. i really cannot take it le.. 3 days le!! might go to get some laxative tmr.. this life i am leading now is just pure shit.. imagine all the shit is actually trapped within my body.. wtf.. i have eaten so much papaya and pineapple and drink lots of water but i am still constipated..

wtf? my life is so screwed already and now.. i even have to go through the disgusting feeling of constipation?

anyway, certain people are just idiot!! i wonder why thing has gone so wrong..

i can only endure this shit for another 2 weeks.. if there is really watever crapz above, please pull me out of the shit i am going through now..

Anyway, i can eat fish, chicken, pork and veg.. i donno why people just keep throwing beef at me.. please.. can fate just stop playing a joke on me? there are so many types of food i don't mind but why the hell am i always given something i dont like ne?

原来生命是可以这么难过的.. 在上面的你是否也在为我难过呢？我一个人真的可以吗？

my face is healing but there is still some bruise on my face.. so damn ugly man.. but then it should be getting well cos asshole number 1 talked to me a few days back.. anyway asshole number 2 didn't appear so i suppose my face is still in bad shape..

anyway, lunch these few days are enjoying.. cos i was eating with angels these few days.. they acknowledged the fact that r/s is established based on uncontrollable external appearance such as height.. anyway, i saw a man and a woman chatting away on the mrt.. i was too bored after hs alighted the mrt so i decided to evedrop their conversation.. from my understanding, that guy bumped into the gal.. i think that they have not seen each other from a very long time le.. so the guy asked the gal if there is job opportunity in her company as he wished to change his career.. the gal refused to help by saying that her company is very bad and hence, believes that he should not join.. then they started about r/s.. the guy asked the gal if she is attached.. the gal said no.. she asked that guy the same question and he said no either..

the both ignorant people are so shocked that they were not attached.. oh my god! i wonder what is so shocking about that.. the gal was so fat, i mean not as fat as what i was in JC but her limbs and tummy are so big.. the guy has a belly and from their conversation, i think that he is not that highly educated and hence don't earn that much.. so who can enter a r/s? a beautiful girl and a intelligent or rich man..

and whoever disagrees with the above must be living in their fairy land world..

feeling developed due to external attraction.. or feel as what most lay man will say.. guy has the feel when they see pretty gal.. gal has the feel when they see rich guy..

anyway, i got so pissed when gl told me that he hate woman who only love guys for his money.. he called them slut.. i was so angry and i called him an asshole.. i forced him to tell me truthfully why he like that gal.. he said is cos she is pretty.. and so i told him that if she is a slut then he is an asshole.. so this name-calling game is nasty right? so stop calling woman slut!! cos guys are asshole to begin with..

anyway, i am quite pissed with the 是你太好了，是我配不起你.. when the actual fact is that the other thought that 你这么烂都敢高攀我.. the ultimate was today.. i felt like killing people.. was so pissed when talking to some people today..

haiz.. i wonder if i am angry or upset with the 是你太好了，是我配不起你.. tmr really no mood to give tuition.. i told the parents that i got something on tmr..

anyway, there is beauty and the beast german version on youtube.. i download all 9 parts.. and i tried to join all the parts tgt to make them into a single file and also to make a VCD.. i asked my sis to help me.. she refused.. and i gave up after i tried le.. forget it.. something are not meant to be..

i could hear the film saying 是你(hf)太好了，是我(german version of the film)配不起你.. so u can't have that VCD..

ya.. i am too good for any single thing on earth.. so i don't have the right to anything.. cos everything is just not good enough for me right? damn..

真的好难过啊! i just cannot take it le.. sianz.........

anyway, really thankful to MY.. cos without her, i bet i won't be smiling during lunch everyday..

是你太好了，是我高攀不起你..

anyway, i can't believe that there are actually people who can allow me to be me again.. i cherish those sweet lovely innocent faces.. suddenly i realised that i am suddenly surrounded by angels.. being with them give me such wonderful feeling.. though it is not sufficient to remove all the pain that i am suffering now.. i feel sense of happiness when i am with them.. it has been a long time i enjoyed eating lunch with a group of people everyday.. the last time was when i was still in uni ba..

anyway, my face does not hurt so much now.. my bruise is still visible but is fading away.. wonder if it is a coincidence, asshole number 1 started talking to me.. so i am waiting for asshole number 2 and 3 to appear.. probably they will appear once my bruise fully faded..

ok.. anyway, wonder which idiot gave my number to someone.. wonder if that was just a coincident as he said.. he sms-ed me wrongly.. the content of the sms was such a way that i need to reply him that he sent the wrong sms.. and then, he thanked me by "thank u auntie/uncle".. this kind of sms i recieved before le, is just asshole trying to try their luck to get to know girl.. don't you think that i am too critical.. that was because the last time, i told the guy that i was a 30+ lady who is very fat and ugly and have to do 2 jobs a day to support my very sickly parents' medical bills.. he stopped sms-ing me.. he is just an idiot!

so this time round, i then replied to him "uncle cannot continue to sleep because uncle need to support the family".. he still sms-ed me and i just ignored.. so today, whcih was 1 week after the first sms instance, he sms-ed me again.. anyway, i was quite bored today morning so i entertained him..

i got suspicious and think that he might know who i am.. thinking of that, i ignored him already..

common on la.. which guy is interested to befriend an old uncle? crazy.. even if he is a gay, he should prefer younger guy ya?

anyway, MY said that i should seek supernatural power so that 他可以配的起我.. i mean it is pointless cos in the first place.. 有时不是我适不适他,而是他适不适和我.. what the hell? this way of rejection causes even more hurtful lor.. i wonder if divine intervention do help..

my face is still disfigured.. but is getting better.. i am grateful to the good advice =) And also to the grandma of my kid.. she gave me a cream for my face but yup.. i dont dare to put it on my face..

anyway it seems like my make up skill has improved due to this incident.. i am able to conceal unwanted spot on the face.. but i am still not very good at that.. i never use concealer in my life but this misfortunate incident leaves me with no choice..

anyway.. yesh.. i am upset now.. so.. yah.. just bear with me.. out of desperation, i called yh and ts on wee hours in the morning to come out with certain ideas.. kw provided me with an idea but i wanted to perfect it even more.. it is like a life and death situation.. anyway, at least i came out with something decent and the points are not rebutted.. but that doesn't mean that everything will go on smoothly.. it is like you want to have a tomato plant.. u will get a tomato seed and then u can just pray that it will blossom well..

不要再说是你配不起我了, 我知道在你眼里是我高攀不起你..

sianz.. so tired until i cannot even have the energy to play spot the difference.. oh ya, that is my favorite game on facebook.. =P

sometimes it is not a matter you are suitable for it.. but is a matter if it is suitable for you.. on hearing this, i realised that everything is over..

does it matter if it is suitable for me leh? it is just so hard to find something that i truly like.. so as long as i am suitable for it, i dont see why i should not give it a try..

do you believe that over time, interest can develop.. and passion can develop from this interest..

i dont understand why fate has to take it so hard on me? did i do anything heinous in my previous life?

that damn scar is still on my face.. and my face still hurts and i am still disfigured......... =(

the weekend has passed unknowingly.. but the scar on my face is still there.. i wonder why.. i understand that time can heal all wounds but can it heal scar? damn..

can fate stop playing prank on me liao ma? i really need my pretty face.. shit.. that is the only good thing fate has given me.. now to have a scar on my face is going to ruin my life.. in this disgusting society, a face with a birthmark-like scar will bring u to nowhere..

has fate decreeded my life to be worthless? in life, i was always subject to alot of crapz.. i wonder why i did so many stupid thing in the past.. i really hated myself.. i see all my coursemates enjoying their job but not me..

fate always like to make me choose stupid decision.. i regretted studying triple science in college (cos i foolishly thought that i could read medicine).. i regretted reading chemistry in uni (cos i foolishly thought that i should major in what i can score best).. i regretted working in the bank (cos i foolishly thought that i could earn alot of $$)..

working in the bank means giving up research opportunity.. it means giving up govt jobs.. it was so easy to get a job when i graduated.. i really hate myself for every damn decision i have made in the past.. and u know what? i don't even see what future i have for myself.. let apart to say that i should just learn from the past and not to repeat in the future.. lost opportunities will never return to u again.. i wonder why i was on earth in the first place..

anyway, did you know that from the day you left me.. i was left alone.. really alone.. i wonder if u can hear me from above.. in the past, i still have you to lead me to solution.. but now not anymore..

and you know? i always tried to con myself into believing that thing will turn out fine.. but i always failed simply cos thing always never turn out fine.. i wonder why i have to do thing i hated.. it is NOT my choice but i have no rights to choose because a beggar can never choose her own food..

anyway.. if u are still around, i am sure i will be very sucessful.. but u are not around..

haiz.. feel like eating BK but they are just so far away.. feel like eating a dinner cooked by my mum but not possible..

forget it.. shall just rest now.. got a battle to fight tomorrow.. =( And the chances of me emerging alive from the battle is close to zero..

被遗弃的一个人最寂寞

oh anyway, i felt so touched when my tution kid's grandma gave me a cream for the birthmark-like scar on my face.. damn.. my bruise still hurts like hell.. i wonder what the hell is happening.. i am going to kill myself if that birthmark-like thing won't go away..

i just realised that i am a very unlucky person.. yup..

我应该酒安安分分的接受命运吧！一顶要相信人定无法胜天的。 若硬要逆天而刑或苯苯的以为名运是掌控在自己的手里，那必定失败。 失败时，勿落下眼泪。因为这是你自找的。 你没有资格落泪！

saw my facebook and realised that many of my friends uploaded their graduation photo.. almost all of them carried the graduation bears or flowers with them.. so people actually bothered to buy them thing.. but no one even bothered to buy me those during my commencement last year.. actually i wanted the bear.. i wonder the sash of the gown the bear is wearing will be different for science and applied science.. but then 算了.. i will feel even sadder if i have to buy it for myself.. it just means that i deserve neither bears or flowers only..

daddy and mummy also didn't come for my graduation.. no bears or flowers.. i wonder why the hell i went to commencement in the first place.. one of my regrets in life is to attend my own commencement.. and i felt sad when i looked back at my photo and realised that those who took picture with me had either a bear or flower with them..

oh well, i am a cheapskate right? since i want the bear or flower, i should buy it for myself 对吗? bear and flower are not free对吗? why should i expect anyone to buy such expensive thing for me? i am just a cheapo person.. ok i should change my mentality.. it is my fault.. if i am not that cheapo, i would have a bear or flower during my commencement.. yup.. i am a cheapo cheapo cheapo cheapo.. i expect it to be free.. ya.. i am a cheapo!!

but it doesn't matter.. maybe i am a sucky person to begin with.. maybe i don't deserve anything in life.. yup.. or also it could be that i am a very cheapo person as well..

anyway, my face is now so cui.. i wonder if i want to go shop shop with mq tmr.. i just want to be an ostrich and hide my ugly face from this world..

how i wish my chore will be through soon..

i am disfigured!! actually it was quite some time back le.. i fell down on last weekend while i was holding my laptop.. and the sharp edge of the laptop hit my face and the impact was quite huge, i felt pain and then there was a big patch of blue-black on my face.. and great i was meeting strangers these few days and they tot that it was a birth mark instead of blue black..

yeah i am so reluctant to go shopping recently.. i hate that stare.. i get so much strange stare during the morning MRT rides everyday.. cos the bruise don't look like a bruise but rather a birth mark u know?

damn.. wait till my bruise goes away, my life will be back to normal.. and i think that you, you, you, and you will start talking to me.. people are just asshole.. always judge people by their appearance..

anyway, my bruise is subsiding.. but still looks like a birth mark.. my face still feel so painful.. my face is just so screwed now.. anyway i really thank one of the sale girl who taught me ways to deal with my bruise.. really appreciate that =)

haiz.. i should have taken a picture of my scarred face before i treat the bruise.. so overweigh is a crime.. and a ugly face is also a crime.. and being tall is also a crime.. shit.. now tt i have an ugly face and too tall, i must watch my weight recently.. i dont want to look tall, fat and ugly.. that is the ultimate combo.. i bet people will start spitting on me..

i hate human.. idiots who only judge people by their appearance.. i feel so 心灰意冷..

perhaps if the love was not strong enough to overcome all those too tall, too fat, too ugly, it was not even love in the first place.. so if that statement is true, am i right to say that there is no true love in this world leh?

p/s: i am always proud of my pretty face but now my face is no longer pretty.. haiz.. how to live life leh? damn.. what if the bruise will never go away? i tin i will just go and die le..

i was at a very spacious and tastefully decorated English style cafe.. it was 9th May.. and i was not alone.. i was with him.. we were sitting on a white chair with golden decoration.. we were sipping English tea from the white porcelain cup.. on the white table a 3-storey metal tray with tastey scones of different flavor, small cup cakes, muffin.. we were chatting happily away.. a maltese then ran to me.. i picked up the maltese, put it on my lap and stroked its soft white fur.. then suddenly a waiter then came and presented to me a white cream cake decorated with ribbons made from pink strawsberry cream..

i cut the cake and realised that it was black forest cake.. how did he know that i like black forest cake? and how did he know that i like a white cake with pink decoration? the most amazing thing is that he was able to merge all my liking for a cake together.. has anyone seen a black forest cake with a white exterior? it was my first time..

i felt so happy..

then suddenly i realised that i have to go to the toilet.. i woke up.. darn.. i must have drunk too much water yesterday.. i woke up from my dream..

damn.. why did i drink so much water? this beautiful scence will never ever happen in life.. and it is not possible to dream such beautiful thing again.. am i greedy to plead for another 10 mins of this sweet dream?

perhaps there are beautiful white lily at a later part? perhaps there are delicious thin-crust pizza and sausages and american style dinner at the later part?

Anyway, it is 7th July today.. Happy birthday to you.. Just want to let you know that I love you! and I miss you! We will meet again when my chores are through..

was entertaining alot of thoughts in my mind..

what if i didnt play so much in yr 1 and yr 2?

what if i didnt study uni?

what if i study engineering or HR instead of chemistry?

what if i didnt work in the bank after graduation?

what if i am not huifang?

i guess i will be much happier..

i was asking my tuition kid what her ambition was.. she said she don't have any ambition.. i told her that was impossible.. human should have projection in life so that you will look forward to a meaningful life.. then she said she wanted to be a pediatrician.. there.. human knows what they want to do..

anyway, i am very disappointed in alot of thing recently.. and i don't even have a projection in life.. life is so sad.. have i ceased to be a human?

and i don't know why it is in this manner as well.. sometimes i wonder the purpose of my existence.. is it solely to endure merciless sufferings?

if there is the case.. why am i existed in that manner?

shall go to sleep now.. have to wake up damn early tmr..

haiz.. having insomnia these few days.. and today was the ultimate.. i felt so weak the whole day.. and felt so sad.. suddenly i realised no one owns me a living.. i have to just lived by myself..

anyway, i am very touched for what SY and MY have done for me..

oh anyway, recently i won't want to go anywhere.. the only thing i want to do is to rest.. i felt that i am going mad soon.. i need to go and buy a black curtain.. i need to block out any light.. i am very sensitive to lights.. so if there is a single beam of light in the room, i cannot sleep.. ok.. maybe i will go get a black or dark color curtain tmr after tuition..

i finally understand that u need alot of courage to do thing.. sadly i am just a coward.. maybe one day i will muster sufficient courage and join you in the land of paradise.. maybe we can talk about our problems and i shall listen to yours and you mine..

oh ya, anyway, how would u feel if one day, you realised that you are just a second choice? u r the choice because of rejection of the first choice.. to look at this issue in another perspective.. beggar has no right to choose their own food.. they can only eat whatever given to them.. ok.. compromise.. i am just a beggar..

hope i will sleep well today.. and hopefully my body temperature will decrease.. i could feel my brain burst today.. as if the blood is flowing at very high pressure through narrow vessels in the brain..