today really feel like dying..

i was doing OT trying my best to meet all deadlines.. anyway, i was trying to do something.. finished doing all my thing.. then when i was trying to see how i can do my board today, the bloody system log me out.. cos there is time restriction.. damn it.. so today morning, i went changi earlier to perfect my board.. if only i didnt have to submit the minute ytd, i could have done a better job.. i was so restricted by time.. i wonder why the meeting was changed to yesterday and i was made the secretary and i had to submit by ytd.. thank god i managed to finish everything before the system log me out..

i must increase my working efficiency.. cos now there is a time restriction for me to do my work.. i must finish everything by 10pm.. ytd my senior left and pass me the key, he asked me to be careful when i leave the office.. i told him tt the place we are working at is very safe lor.. the worst tt can ever happen will be tt i fall into the drain as my vision is hindered by the dark night..

i cannot wait to go independent from next year onwards.. i want to go independent.. i am now very confident le.. =)

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anyway i need to find myself back again.. i am so sad.. i really want to go drink tea at wardroom tmr but since my boss is on leave, my senior is in changi tmr, i guess our another lunch partner will not want to go wardroom with me alone.. sianz.. i guess he didnt want to have rumor with me ba.. cos i suspect i already got some liaoz.. so sianz.. can i just go wardroom alone and drink my tea? haiz.. i really need a good rest.. today board at changi is very draining.. i nearly fainted.. oopz.. but i am glad that i go through this.. cos i learnt alot :)

curiosity indeed killed the cat.. damn it, i finally cannot tahan le and i asked the question.. indeed i am the spare tyre.. i m of course quite upset but i shall view this positively ba.. how to tell myself tt i am ok with the fact that i was just a reserve who got into the show cos the main lead was injured ne? i dont like to be second choice leh.. seriously!! i shouldnt have asked.. damn..

today i was so happy :)

i tin gg pedicure and manicure can brighten up my life :) now my finger nails in barbie doll pink.. they are just so sweet :)

i must jia you and be prettier and prettier and thus have a higher social status.. nothing beats being pretty.. for ugly is just a crime.. i dont want my future husband to marry me (when i am very ugly) just because of his countless failed attempts to woo pretty girls and his desperation makes him conclude that an ugly girl can also serve the role of a free maid and prostitute as well..

it is good to welcome myself to this practical world :) in this harsh practical world, everything is so easy due to its simplicity.. accurate conclusions can be easily drawn as conclusions are just solely dependent on physical looks..

why is it so hard for someone not to care abt physical looks ne? forget it, i shall not be so idiotic.. who will question why the sun rise from the east?

why cant we just break free of all these ugly social perspective? we have only one life.. why cant we just do what we want to do and not be manipulated by the ugly society ne?

tmr i kena secretary for meeting.. i am so worried that i cannot take good minutes.. my god, my shorthand sucks.. i pray that i can produce a good minute tmr :)

放开手, 往北方走, 留下伤心的树独自忍受..

after going through this shitty path of my life.. i feel so disgusted with human being but on a brighter note, i am now out of the shit.. i never got a chance to breath fresh air while i was buried within that heap of shit but now, i savour the smell of fresh air with appreciation..

why are human being so complex? and human are so intelligent.. they can process information and draw conclusion from these.. u might have a good feeling towards someone but the moment he talk to you, u can infer that he is a foe more than a friend..

oh ya, i m so shocked that i am so emotionless the previous week.. i was so angry and lost some EQ on thurs and fri.. i wonder why i did that.. hey i used to do sales right? where is my EQ? haiz.. i was so agitated with people.. sianz.. i mean suan le, i dont give a damn liaoz..

i must not grow fat.. only the pretty in the society would be appreciated.. the ugly would be treated with disdain.. so i must marry the handsome as well.. so that my baby would have a look that would place him/her at a high social status.. who cares about inner beauty ne?

i always like beauty and the beast.. cos i was so ugly in the past.. it gave me false hope that a pretty girl would want to befriend and love you if u have inner beauty despite your hideous look which our current society denounce.. now i still like this beauty and the beast because it gives "false" hope to humanity.. in the harsh and cold society, we need this tiny glim of false hope to live on.. life is beautiful.. ur husband wanted to marry the ugly u is cos of ur inner beauty, NOT cos he was rejected by countless pretty young lady which made him despo and choose the UGLY u cos he finally decided that a UGLY lady can fulfil the role of a free maid, free babysitter, free reproduction machine and a free prostitute as well.. he decided on you UGLY cos the countless rejection by countless pretty lady make him realised that his background is not good enough to have a pretty young lady as a wife.. hmmm.. this show gives me the false hope that guys married ugly gal cos inner beauty makes an ugly pretty rather than the above reason..

oh yeah.. inner beauty ROCKS big time!! what is outer beauty without inner beauty? it would be a body without a soul.. BUT then sad to say, the male likes souless body.. as long as the UGLY is competent to function the role of a complimentary maid, babysitter, reproduction machine and a prostitute.. yup..

was so angry these 2 days.. esp when i told pple what to do and they did something else and asked me if it was ok.. stop trying to test my patience hor!! i guessed i am PMS-ing recently ba..

is ok la.. tmr i must be confident to handle something.. jia you dont lose control.. i am more than a pretty face.. i shall switch off my computer now and do my work..

tmr i must charge.. or i will die.. haha.. anyway i m quite happy that i can finally eat lunch at tuas le.. i have not been eating at tuas for 4 days le.. somehow i missed the food so badly.. hahahaa..

today was so exhausted until i really wanted to die leh.. i woke up early and my boss came fetched me to changi.. was about 45 mins drive.. on my mind, i was so worried that my programmed formulae didnt work well.. it turned out to be fine.. great at least i didnt screw up anything.. but i wasnt that happy cos i wanted to programme something more difficult but i failed.. sianz leh..

i was looking forward to the food at changi.. i was quite disappointed.. sianz.. tuas food tastes better.. i didnt have lunch at tuas since fri le.. i miss tuas food.. so happy that i will lunch at tuas tmr.. and i miss gg wardroom for tea =) guess they will probably ask me to play wii tmr.. oh no i guess i sounded as if i was an expert at wii.. i will be super ma lu ba i guess..

changi is a very peaceful place.. so peaceful that i never know that such a wonderful place can exist.. however, this tranquility may sometimes converge to forlorness..

talking abt food, i have been growing fatter.. it is getting irritating.. in this society where looks is the most important factor in life, i do not want to be the outcast of this society.. the pretty girl and handsome boy will be eventually displace the ugly.. who cares about inner beauty right? exterior beauty is more important lah..

so what m i doing? why do i allow food to degrade me into the outcast of the society ne?

haiz..

thurs i will be gg to changi again.. i wonder if boss can bring me to eat at another canteen or he had to eat with his ex boss.. i am such a glutton, i want to eat nice food =) only food will be nice and yet would never betray u.. though it is undeniable that excessive indulgence in heavenly food can give negative consequence..

anyway i m really blessed to be working with nice pple =) unlike the previous bitch i was working with.. now i really hate her to the extent when i hear people say the word "irregardless" i will be totally pissed off and in a fight mode.. wat the hell with these pple? IRregardLESS? u need to negate the word twice ma? does bitch like her get the right to irritate people's ear with such a lousy bitchy word? she is just a bitch..

i tin i need more sleep.. my head is not thinking.. i did something stupid.. haiz.. why did i do tt in the first place ne? right?

fanz.. i m more fan.. how? i wonder if i ever force anyone to do thing they never want to do all their life.. somehow i accidentally took control of their lives and they remember this vengenance.. my god.. never mind i shall just roll myself there on tue.. stupid me.. stupid me..

fairytales.. though i know they are pure crapz.. i enjoy watching it.. it gives me false hope.. i need false hope to make my life more interesting.. beauty and the beast pyscho me to believe that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty.. cinderella pyscho me to believe that even if u are at ur lowest point in life, u will have a happily ever after.. all the walt disney fairytales bring false illusion of a beautiful life.. i need this illusion to continue to live..

today i managed to do some programming with the excel.. hopefully tmr the stupid OO my workplace is using is compatiable with excel or damn, i will need to spend a long time to analyse..

anyway, i think that my boss is very nice =)

Wahahahaa.. let me hao lian abit.. i am so proud of myself =)

today my boss asked me if i can input logic formula in excel to calculate thing.. i said maybe i know.. but somehow in the end, i told him i knew how to.. i nearly fainted when those words slipped out from my mouth..

i did it!! after 3 hours of thinking abt logic to input as formula!! i m now so exhausted but very happy.. god is so nice to me!! haha

my boss is also so nice to me.. i was so busy the whole day today.. i was rushing against time.. then he asked me to continue doing on wednesday.. tmr i am gg to kranji for training.. my boss will be picking me up!! i am so happy.. actually i cannot wait for wed to come.. i want to input that formula into my excel sheet to see if it works!! happy!!

ate so much ytd and today.. ytd was particularly satisfying.. ate calamari, pork ribs with fries and the very popular mudpie.. yum yum.. today was also gorging myself with food but the standard is quite disappointing..

most of the time, lunch at work i will be eating with 3 guys.. it is quite worrying to realise that i actually eat more than them.. i wonder why.. am i eating too much or are they eating too little.. i am very worried.. i am so worried that i will become fatter and fatter and then the world decides to forgo me..the world has forgo me when i was so fat back then.. i dont want this bad history to repeat itself..

today a bloody property agent sat beside me in the bus.. i nearly killed her.. i hate property agents.. they made me remind of my banking days.. i hate so much that i hope all of them are dead.. of course, i wont want to kill them.. i have a bright future waiting ahead of me.. sometimes when i see those asshole property agents, i just feel so agitated.. initially when i was offered by one of the stat board, i was quite hestitant abt accepting the offer as i was worried that i might have to work with assholes.. luckily i didnt have to eventually..

i hate property agent.. they ruined my life.. glad that thing is gg ok for me.. i love my seaview job.. tmr i shall tie ponytie for work.. let's see how it is =)

that fucking property agent ruined my day.. i hate property agents.. i hope i never have to bump into any of them anymore in my entire life.. i had enough of shitty encounter with property agents.. it is enough le.. really enough le.. i am no longer a banker le.. so it is not justifiable for me to go through this shit.. thanks for the understanding.. bet u asshole agents will NEVER understand cos u r just bunch of fucking agents..

today everything is right.. mon is the time i shld tell myself that i will give my very best in my job..

i suddenly feel the importance of learning to drive..

sianz.. i will go learn soon maybe 1 more week after i settled that heap of shit..

too tired now.. shall update tmr..

this world i am currently living in is just a very practical place..

i will never forget how helpless i was in the past due to my 103kg figure.. is looks really that important? i always try to foolishly psycho myself by telling myself that people with inner beauty will outshine people with just outer beauty.. i was hopelessly stunned when i realised that the topmost criteria one look in another is just external beauty.. inner beauty is just an added advantage.. added advantage means that it is just a secondary criteria.. without the external beauty, inner beauty is useless..

for eg, a flithily rich old man has 2 very beautiful young, sweet, pretty models to choose from.. if they are equally pretty, so the girl with inner beauty will win over the other gal.. in another words, that rich man would not even look at a ugly gal with the most beautiful heart..

i will never forget the amount of tear i shed for this.. i nearly thought i will go crazy.. anyway, i shld just let bygone be bygone.. i just need to be more prudent for this moment on.. =)

天时, 地利, 人和 - at the right time in the right place with the right person..

recently i have gained alot of insights abt life.. in fact, these insights have made me grown stronger and more realistic.. most of the time, i met the right people at the right place but at the wrong time.. timing is always going against me.. i am very sad.. besides timing, i always lack of chance..

in a report, it was mentioned that kids who stay in pte apartment tends to be more sucessful.. so i believe that we have to be very careful in culturing an environment for our kids.. sometimes when i am out in the street, i cannot help but to notice that most kids resemble their parents.. this makes me more cautious.. i used to weigh 103kg, i understand how society tries its very best to cast us out of it.. probably in accordance with the theory of the survival of the fittest theory.. those with the best genes would reproduce sucessfully, whole those with bad genes would be displaced from the society..

physical beauty is the most essential criteria.. report also mentioned that good-looking people tends to be more sucessful in their career.. not to mention in r/s as well.. guys' tolerant level for gals is directly proportional to the beauty of the gal.. this means that only pretty gals have the privilege to have considerable flaws in their character.. and please, the ugly gals, ur bf or husband chooses u is not cos they are attracted by ur inner beauty or wat crapz.. guys are very simple creature.. of course, they will try to conquer the pretty girls on their list.. depending on their theshold for rejection by pretty gals, they will eventually turn to ugly gals due to desperation (cos pretty gals have myriad of choices).. cos they want a free maid, free cook, free babysitter, free sex service (this is told to me by a class who is my secondary school classmate).. and most importantly, a machine for reproduction.. therefore, ugly and barren woman is the most pathetic creature.. at least a pretty and barren woman still be able to be a mistress..

trust me.. nothing is more important than physical appearance.. ugly gals, please makes urself pretty.. pretty gals, please maintain ur beauty.. cos if u are not pretty and worst case, barren, u will never be the right person..

i am quite amazed by how emotionless i m these few days.. i guess i am already zombified.. probably i guess i know that i am just a little yellow flower lor.. some people are just insignificant de lor.. from now on, i will never expect anyone to even take a look at me.. it is ok la.. it is good to pre-set my mind with all these cruel facts.. sometimes, it is just too hard for us to deny the existence of fate..

recently i guessed i have sucessfully pre-setted my mind.. my heart now no longer feel pain.. wow.. great.. i hate the feeling of heart pain.. wahahahhaa..

diaoz.. i am so exhausted now.. let me have a good night rest..

haiz.. someone spoilt my night.. damn it.. i shall not let it affect me.. i must remember the good thing that happened during the weekend.. i swallowed 3 snowskin mooncakes and 1 baked mooncake.. it is a joyful weekend.. the joy will spill over to the following week.. i m a happy girl.. i am a happy girl..

i tin i am really old liaoz.. i am so tired now.. tired until i want to die.. recently after work, i am been serving my responsibility to clear watever shit I have created in the past.. i cannot shirk my responsibility so i have to wait till probably end of next week to declare freedom.. i have yet to come out with reasons to end this crap.. sianz.. reasons =(

i just need to bear for this shit for another week.. but my work is getting busier.. the worse is having to attend meetings at the other part of sg and then also at the same time must do my work.. work is all abt ta-chi-ing.. but i am glad my colleagues are nice people.. i enjoy being with them.. =)

ytd was a tormenting day.. in the morning, i woke up early to clear some crapz till evening and then i was so sleepy that i slept at 9pm.. and now i am sleepy still.. so decided not to go out to buy thing liaoz..

oh ya, i finally realised that different people have different rate of recovery after going through unpleasant event.. after going through a bad experience, the body would remember every aspect of this experience so that we would not go through this anymore.. so much so that if we are bitten by a snake, we will backed off if we see a rope.. anyway, i guess the thing that i have gone through in life has made me wiser but at the same time, made me reluctant to commit to many things..

i just want to do well in my job.. i want to be sucessful in my work.. i prefer the tangible satisfaction from my job than the intangible from those watever shit or crapz.. those intangible is something so unfair and can cause great disappointment..

oh ya, i must admit that i am a little happy these few days =) but tmr i tin i am going crazy.. i m so scared i will have to go to somewhere to get my document.. i pray they will just send someone to collect for me =S

p/s: after working there for some time and reliving ur life, i finally realised ur emotion.. i was too selfish..

of timing and order of event..

ok la.. i am leading a very tiring life for the past two weeks.. not due to my work but due to my committement after work.. i wanted to let go now but i didnt due to responsibility.. most of the time, i want to stray on the dark side but my sense of responsibility prevented me from the dark forces.. anyway, next week, i should be able to let go le.. i am still tinking of what to say.. damn la.. still got time to think abt it..

back to the topic i want to discuss.. timing.. once upon a time, a little girl entered a forest and saw a witch.. the witch told her that there was a path in a forest that was lined with different kinds of doll every 100m.. she could choose one and take the doll home.. however, as soon as the little girl determined which doll she wanted, she had to finish the path.. in the event that she saw another prettier doll, she cannot exchange for it instead.. the little girl was ecstatic.. she always wanted a barbie doll but her mummy would never buy her the doll.. so the first doll she saw was wearing a very elegant evening gown.. she liked the doll alot but she told herself that her aim is to get the barbie doll she always wanted.. with this aim in mind, she walked through the path without even considering other dolls.. the little got a shocked when she saw a very ugly doll with a distorted face and was wearing a broken dirty rag.. the witch suddenly appeared and told her to pick up the doll.. the little girl refused because she despised that ugly doll.. the witch told her that this is the last doll in this path.. she had to take the doll or leave this path without a doll.. the little girl cried and tried to return to the start of the path.. she realised that she was unable to return to the start.. she was sad..

timing is very important.. because when we are young, we are simply naive and very stupid.. we thought that we will be able to get the things we want in life.. and if we wait long enough, we will eventually get what we want.. but life is not like tt.. we are constantly presented with choices for us to accept.. but the choices come in all jumbled up sequence.. u won't know if u miss this, would u get something better than this.. however, u r afraid that if u accept a choice but to find that there is a better choice the very next day.. if only the doll dressed in very elegant gown appeared at the last sequence.. the little girl would gladly accept it.. just because it came to early and so the little girl foolishly thought that there might be better one.. but the ugly truth is that life always plays nasty joke on u..

haiz..

anyway, i felt so blessed that my colleagues are nice people =) free lunch, nice colleagues and nice location.. what can i ask for more?

白痴.. i am really an idiot.. sometimes i donno if i am idiotic or i am just plain sotong..

today was an event.. i didnt know who my 大大大老板 is.. i was playing games and then he came and i thought he was a spy from the other team to copy our answer and hence i shield my answer fr him.. then when the game ended.. he came to talk with me.. then i asked who he is.. he was puzzled that i donno him.. then i asked him and he told me his position.. before i processed his ans, i asked him how do i address him.. he told me his first name.. after he told me his name, my mind finished processing the info abt his position, then i realised that he is my 大大大老板.. i nearly fainted.. he asked for my name.. diaoz.. then i explained to him that i am still "new".. so our games, my team got 2nd prize, and then when he gave me the prize, he told me that it is great that i can get the prize though i am "new"..

diaoz.. i just cannot believe i so sotong.. i m a big sotong.. tmr got a meeting.. wonder if he will be there.. haiz.. i cannot be so sotong tmr le.. =x

oh anyway, recently i feel quite happy.. i feel the sudden urge to be nice to pple ard me.. hahaha.. suddenly i start to have the ability to care for people again.. and next week i will be discharged from one responsibility.. great =) maybe next next week, i will explore the possibility of taking my practical driving class.. and probably next next week, i will have greater ability to care =)

anyway got to sleep early.. tmr got an important meeting to attend.. i need sleep =)

oh ya, 少话的男生 is just so attractive.. cool cool de.. =P