recently has been quite bad for me.. doing things that i dont like to do.. it seems like my life is fated in a way that i have to do thing against my liking.. at first i was quite sad.. but now i am more accepting.. rather than living life with sadness.. i am trying to live life with happiness..

anyway.. talking to my tuition kid is very entertaining.. cos she is now going through a growing up stage and she seems to have a mind of her own and some of her thoughts that she shared with me are quite interesting.. she is quite critical towards certain issues and surprisingly her opinions sometimes converge with mine.. i have been quite frank (or rather critical as what others would describe me) regarding quite alot of issues..

anyway her mum is like my mum.. dictating her life.. she has plans for her.. i hope her plans coincides with my kid's plan.. she is still so young.. she should have full control of her life.. sometimes i think that i should be more rebellious when i was young.. because right now i might be a happier person.. probably i could have got into medical school..

oh ya.. i was talking about divorce with my gfs.. luckily xc knew that my intention was not to curse that she would have a divorce.. whatever it is, i never have the intention to hope that any marriage would end up in a divorce.. i m not a sadist.. however, sometimes i cannot help myself but to remind people that marriage is never a happily ever after event.. chances of divorce are high.. maybe i would discuss about my viewpoint of marriage in the next post for i m too tired now.. hahaha..

whenever i talked to my tuition kid, i realised that the yester-year huifang who fantastizes alot about the wonderful future was long gone.. however, did u know that right now i hate the yester-year huifang? so impractical, naive and stupid!!

damn.. when u are feeling so bad.. the last thing u want is someone to come and mess with u and then makes u even more depressed.. i am very tired of her screaming and shouting accompanied by some crying..

i really cannot stand it already!! i am close to nervous breakdown.. i never knew life was so unfair to me.. there is nothing in my life that i like.. right from the start, i never wanted to study chemistry.. and then everything is my life toppled like a domino..

today i was talking to Olena.. she was someone i wanted to talk to.. i realised that she was so fortunate.. she has a very nice husband and she is a very carefree gal.. she is staying at a nice appartment at sentosa.. she took a cab home cos she thinks that german class ended too late.. deep down in my heart, i know that i can only admire her.. because that will never happen to me..

anyway, i am so sick of trying to encourage myself.. i guess i will just give up all my hopes and dreams.. for they will never happen.. i shall just wait for the day i will die.. now i finally know that it is so painful to live life.. i think i finally understood the pain u been through when i was very young.. i finally understood why you chose that path.. because you are left with no choice.. i finally realised that there will be a possibility when u are driven to the end and you can do nothing but to accept your fate..

a letter to everyone

a big thank to everyone who has ruined my life..

a big thank to everyone for not loving me..

a big thank to everyone for making me accept my fate..

i have never felt so down in my life.. sat.. my last door has closed.. thank you lord for loving me by driving me to the wall.. thank you lord for ruining my future.. i will never ever believe in you again.. damn you..

the life that lord wants me to look forward to:
(a) either a single life or married to someone whom i don't like
(b) have a sucky career that is never of my choice
(c) have a life full of regrets
(d) to lead a life that is not mine but yet have no power to steer my own fate..

damn it la.. i guess this is just my fate.. i am trying to convince myself to accept it.. this is just my life...... or rather my life has ended.. i guess lord has already achieve his aim of making me giving in to fate.. lord do u know that you are going to suceed soon?

i really think that i have no luck in life.. i wonder why that was the case..

luck is something that is god-given.. all i could do is to try my best.. luck is the thing that cannot be bought or made..

recently i realised what i want in life.. i tried so hard to attain it.. but then i didn't manage to get it due to the absence of luck.. sometimes i wonder why that was my fate.. i really wish that i am not huifang.. i really wish that i am someone else.. huifang's just a luck-less person..

u know the sadness i am feeling now? something i really really want just creeps away from me, despite great efforts made to attain it.. i really wish i am gone someday.. gone to somewhere i will feel happier..

i still remember what happened yesterday.. i really hate myself so much.. i guess i shall not talking about it to anyone.. the more i talk about it, the sadder i felt.. after talking to kw just now, i felt so emotional..

my world has ended.. u know?

why am i always that bad luck?

i felt so hungry again today.. went dinner with xuxu they all.. i felt so so hungry despite having a main course and coffee.. none of them felt hungry.. but i really feel so hungry so the moment i reached home, i ate some biscuit..

i still felt hungry yet i dont have the courage to cook instant noodle and fill my stomach.. huifang u cannot do such a thing.. u know, after u have slimmed down, u have been getting quite alot in life.. u don't want to lose them all right?

maybe there will be a day i will be happy.. i just felt so emotional whenever i thought of how helpless i felt yesterday.. the helplessness was something that is so unbearable..

my life has always been a joke.. and it will always be a joke..

today was a disastrous day.. i finally believe that every single decision that i made turns out to be a castropher.. i hate it.. so much so the extent i wonder why i have to lead a life that is not to be decided by me.....................

today i was so sad till i ate so much..... so much yet the emptiness within me is still not even half-filled.. i stopped eating because i was overwhelmed with sudden fear.. i knew that the emptiness will never be filled.. however, one thing i am certain is that i might be on the speedy way to my old fat self..

nevertheless i will gorge myself on a day in May..

i bought 2 pairs of shoes today.. only 2 pairs though i feel like buying more.. i didn't even go to boutique.. haiz.. it is a sad thing if i saw something i like but i can't buy.. i am currently on a tight budget!!!

anyway, i bought a new pyjamas..

*faint*
I forgot my password to this blog.. ended up retrieving password.. i have grown senile..

recently has been a depressing week for me.. i know what i want to do but somehow i cannot do it.. due to alot of STUPID external hindrance.. anyway i believe that nobody should impose their thinking on anyone.. 人各有志 (shall elaborate more of this in my next post!).. everyone is in control of their own life.. if anyone is forced to do something just because he can be socially acceptable, that will be quite sad.. the most important thing is to be happy.. do you think that the society will give a damn if you do the socially correct thing but yet is sad cos of that.. will society console u leh?

anyway, xx said i look ok ok only.. why cannot just lie to me and say that i am pretty lehz? like wat other people have been doing arh..

oh ya, right now i m so scared i will fail my BTT.. i don't want to be an idiot who can fail BTT..

oh ya, i think i have found another person whom i can talk well with.. looking forward to talk to her next week =)

anyway, certain thing are meant to just to be kept to yourself.. can u not tell me about it? i always respect that there is secret within everyone..

i have yearned to have an appartment to myself.. when can this happen? preferably a small one so that cleaning doesn't take so much time.. so that my house will be very clean at any point in time.. i must jia you to achieve it!!

give me 1 month time.. i will change!! i pray there is not much distraction to hinder me to achieve this!!!!! last sat was a major hinder =(

why why why? is it so complex? i just realised that thing are so complicated.. it's to the stage where u finally wake up and realised that no compromise can be reached.. and therefore u realised that the r/s is just a superficial one..

haiz........... i realised that it is so hard to predict the future.. and u cannot use the past or the present to predict the future because the past and present is not indicative of the future..

just like i never knew 10 yrs ago that i could now be so good frens with mq and xc..

forget it.. i am too tired now.. shall cont tmr.. i wrote this entry simply cos i want to write.. hahah..

it is getting quite emotional this week.. uncertainties from all aspects of my life.. it is amazing that thing that used to bother me so much now don't really matter cos i have more pressing issues in life to attend to..

and ya, i will never keep late night anymore.. it is getting abit nowhere and i am just tired already.. however i guess not only me is tired.. abit torturous for the 2 poor souls on earth.. and i was suspecting that i was just a spare tyre.. for heaven sake, i will never be a spare tyre..

and ya, i have learnt that if u forced urself to.. u can do something that u don't like.. so as to be accepted by others.. this is so miserable but i hope to see results soon.. if not i will be just suffering for nothing..

and ya, i am crossing my fingers hard.. this week is ending soon.. i am getting jittery.. u r my only hope.. have u let me down?

and ya, i have deleted someone's number from my hp.. don't want to have any connection with that punk anymore in my life..

and ya, i have given up hopes for alot of thing already.. my life is falling apart.. and wat i want to do now is to gorge myself to death at a buffet at a good and expensive hotel but i can't.. wat if i didn't gorge myself to DEATH? those extra calories is going to make me put on weight.. and i will be ocstracised again!!

i wonder if that's a good thing that i met that guy in college a couple weeks back.. cos he was always on my mind after that encounter.. and cos of that, i felt even more upset.. i thought i was going to change my mindset but then fate makes me bump into him.. and cos of this, i guess i will give up either.. why must i hurt myself again ne?

i have sucuumbed myself fully to fate already.. it is foolish to fight against fate u know?

guys vs gals
sometimes i don't even know gals are stupid or what..

i was reading the paper.. a guy and a gal were asked the question, how do you define a sexy gal..

the guy replied.. a sexy gal has to be thin.. a fat one can never be sexy.. and gals with waiseline of more than 25 inches should not wear clothes that reveal the tummy because it is not sexy..

the gal replied.. oh sexy gal is someone with self-confidence..

wth.. can gals stop being so stupid? are gals trying to delude themself or they are just plain stupid to realise that guys are visual creatures leh? guys will NEVER fall for tall gal and also fat gal.. but when you asked the guys why, they will just lie to you that their character clashes.. and please, don't ever try to psycho me to believe there are perfect guys out there who will love you for who you are.. regardless of how u look..

i am NOT a stupid gal..

probably because i have gone through alot.. from a 105kg huifang to now.. she understood what is meant by love is NOT blind.. anyway, that guy in college, i saw him a couple weeks back.. i was with my sis and he was with his frens and we were quite far from each other.. then we just smiled and waved at each other.. thank god i met him again.. because recently i nearly forgot that love is NOT blind.. thank god for averting disaster..

huifang must be rational.. huifang will be rational..

heck la.. now i got more important thing on my mind.. hopefully i will get some nice surprises this coming week.. i also pray that i can shed some weigh.. getting fatter, must lose some or i may go back to my 105kg huifang and kena octracised AGAIN..

i felt so stressed now.. so stressed to the extent i want to cry.. but then it is ok.. it will be over tmr i guess.. i just have a few more hours to endure..

so xx called me today but i cannot concentrate cos i was too busy thinking of perfecting the solutions shifu and i thought of yesterday.. but then no matter how good the solutions are, they are nothing if spoiler comes into the picture..

normally this kind of thing i won't give a damn cos of my high confidence level in tackling such problem.. but now it is too sticky.. so i must give a damn..

it is ok.. it will be over tmr..

oh ya, yc leaving sg tmr.. i think i am a bad fren, i kept forgetting when my frens going overseas unless they told me the day before they left.. but tmr i got something to settle so i cannot send her off.. faint.. when will she come back to sg again?

i have 1 lesser fren now.. sianz..

do you believe in happiness?

the uncertainty of the future is so intimidating.. but one thing i am sure is that there will never be fairy tale.. and so happened today xx asked me to listen to 童话 by 光良 on 933..

before i know xx, i listened mostly to power 98 but recently i switched to 933..

i really wonder if a happily ever after thing ever existed in life.. the scene of him crying sadly is always on my mind, preventing me to imagine about a happily ever after life.. he and she are supposedly a pair made in heaven BUT somehow their love became a tragedy.. but i knew that they love each BUT certain circumstances imposed great barrier to their love..

anyway, xx asked me how is my day today.. i never tell xx that my day is a very stressful one cos i was trying to think of a solution to a very mind-bogging problem.. and only after talking to my dear shifu, we came up with some plausible solutions.. wonder why i never tell xx all that..

xx seems quite excited about his presentation tmr.. xx has to sleep early cos xx has to wake up early tmr.. and i wish xx luck :)