the feeling of wanting for something to happen is so intense.. so intense it become the drive of your life.. u know it should not be the drive of your life.. but you cannot control your emotions.. your head was badly defeated by your heart.. you tried very hard to stop your heart but it failed..

i always agree that everyone must have something in life to look forward to.. however, what if you are looking forward to something you should not be looking forward to?

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oh ya, i admit that sometimes i am quite petty.. but then on a brighter note, i am petty means that i care about it.. i have tamed myself, try not to be so petty but then don't try to irk me..

oh ya, i am awaiting for tony's return.. i want those thing i asked him to buy for me in Bali.. haha..

something are just so hard to control.. probably of the element of fate existing in every part of life.. u know u shouldn't have, but you just do it because you ought to do it.. u wonder why u have to live with the expectation of your fellow human beings and the principles of the general society.. why do u have to follow the norm? do u really believe in those norms, principles and guidelines? or u are just worried that your fellow human being and the society would shed a bad light on you? you are freakingly afraid that your family, your loved one, your neighbours and the passers-by on the street might be concerned about your tarnished reputation..

you know that you are not commiting a crime.. you are not going to murder someone or burn down someone house.. you are sure that you will never commit such heinous crime.. what you have partially executed is not a crime in your dictionary.. however to some, you are a bitch who might create a big haveoc in this peaceful earth after your full execution..

you tried to see the situation in their perpectives.. you seems to see something from their point of view.. they seems to be correct from their perspectives.. but from your perspective, u think that it is no big deal.. you know if you were to go along with their perspective, you will become a very sad person.. in worst case scenerio, you might develop depression.. in the end, the society would place you in a mental hospital.. and you have to foot the expensive hospital bill.. the society will just give pitiful glance on u and then walk away..

you know you have to live for yourself because nobody with the exception of yourself can give u abundance happiness..

you have 2 choices.. to live with your own principle and you will be happy.. to live with others principle and you will be sad.. it seems like a simple choice..

however, i m sure almost everyone on earth is a sad soul..

today was damn stressed because need to settle an urgent case.. it really spoilt my day.. until a phone call saved my day.. don't know some people just have the charm to make someone excited and happy to the extent of erasing all unhappiness and filled the space left behind by unhappiness with great happiness..

i am a strong believer of fate.. probably it is fate that everything happens as what it is now.. wonder why am i harboring any hopes when it is close to impossible that it happens.. moreover it has ended.. it was forced to end.. but deep down i know that if fate decrees that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.. it will happen.. for now, waiting seems to be the only option.. but then what if despite spending days after days walking through the tunnel, there is only darkness.. what is fate trying to tell me? there is no opening at the end of the tunnel; fate decrees that you are banished to eternal darkness.. or you have yet to reach the end of the tunnel; fate decrees that you can only taste the sucess of walking out of darkness only when you put in tremendous effort.. whichever these 2 interpretations, the only conclusion that can be derived is that fate plays a cruel joke on you.. accept it ba, you lowly servant of mine!!

it has been a damn depressing week.. no matter how hard i tried, somehow nothing come out of it.. it seems like the process doesn't really matter at all.. it is the end results that count.. i never forget that i always lament in school why there were so many small tests and term paper and wat not tests throughout the whole semester.. i always hope for just a final exam at the end of the semester, simply because i didn't study throughout the semester and this resulted in me getting horrific grades for my tests and then i had to score doubly well compared to my peers in the final exams.. so i shouldn't complain about my life now.. isn't this what i wanted all along?

life has been quite different for me.. i have changed.. i have now my own sets of thinking.. i guess i have unconventional principle but somehow i still didn't get a chance to practice it.. i suppose this is due to suppression by angels in my head.. or rather the devil never took initiative.. sometimes i wonder if i would depise myself in 10 years time if the devil took the initiative and i accepted it..

i am too tired.. i am speechless.. i know the barrier will always be there.. but it is ok.. because the consequences that ensued might be too stressful for me to bear.. it might be good that thing remains as what it is now.. who can assure confidently that to stay constant is undisputedly a bad thing? no doubt change might bring along pleasant surprises.. but what if it never? i rather thing remains as what it is now..

when it ended.. you know that no matter how hard you try, u can never salvage the situation.. it is also pointless to try to find out exactly what gone wrong.. because you can never turn back time.. never to repeat the same mistake? please la, this is not O level, you think recycle questions meh? life presents infinite possibilities.. of which, the same event recurring is statistically low..

why not just let go? pondering about what gone wrong brings back just bad memories.. it is really a torture to re-live the experience.. visual images of the experience is so trumatising.. the more you think about it, the more you lose faith and confidence in it and its kind..

thou shalt not lie.. i always think that honesty is the best policy.. it turns out to be the wrongest theory on earth.. it never pays to be honest.. only liars can survive in this world.. i must try to lie as well.. it is such a ugly world that human is constantly deceptive to one another.. yet being honest would strain ties and get you nowhere.. i believe that the recepient of the lies knew for sure that the liar is telling a big, fat lie.. however, the recepient prefers to accept the lies than to know the truth..

believe it or not.. i don't like to lie.. deep down in my naive heart, i still think that honesty is the best policy..

whatever it is, i believe that one day the wind will blow and the leaves of the mimosa would close together in shame..

a little incident to share..

today after work, i was walking along thomson road, a car stopped by the road.. a man was smiling at me and signaled me to get into the car.. at first i just shook my hand and walked away.. he then drove slowly to follow me.. then i stopped and looked carefully at the man.. i thought he was one of the agent at the showflat.. i asked if he was at the showflat, he said no.. then i knew that i didn't know him.. he added that he would give me a lift and asked me to be his friend.. in the end, i just shook my head and closed the car door..

my mummy and daddy told me not to take a lift from a stranger..

it is strange that such a thing happens.. i sometimes do get strangers on the street wanting to befriend me.. but this is the first time someone wanted to offer me a lift..

on fri, a guy asked me which block we were at.. then after 1 hour, we then met each other.. he came to chat with me.. he wanted to give me his namecard, then he couldn't find.. in the end, i gave him mine cos i thought he wanted to buy house.. haha.. so he asked if my hp number is on my card and asked to meet up on monday.. my god, i won't go..

ever since i started work, i have put on 5kg.. it seems like the fatter i grow, the prettier i am.. *ok reader, stop puking* but then this is getting serious, i need some motivation to shed those weigh i have gained.. more strangers trying to befriend me on the street is discouraging me to shed weigh..

i will get fatter and fatter.. one day, people will then start to ignore me.. i will lose my job.. confirm by then i would see the crucial need to start losing weigh.. haha.. i hope that day won't come..

got so sad today.. actually it started a few days ago.. i realised that it is so hard to get money.. i want S11!! i am where i am now because i want S11.. i must try harder harder and harder.. by march, i must have S11 in my bank account.. i still want to go europe!!

anyway, was so depressed.. until i received a call.. i was so happy.. moreover it was so timely.. saved me.. u seems to understand that happiness can be so easy.. u wish the happiness will be eternal.. but u know it will not happen forever.. however, u still thank god and try to bask in whatever happiness you are entitled to.. you never complain because you don't want to waste a single moment of the finite period to lament but to bask in the short term happiness.. it is wonder how chance encounter can escalate to a relationship between people.. and how relationship then slowly grows(either knowingly or in oblivion) into something greater which then gives rise to happiness.. it is not just a fantasy.. it do can be a reality.. because right now we are only talking about transient happiness.. we have to agree that eternal happiness is just another happily ever after fairy tale..
too tired now..

shall update more tmr.. =)

it has come to a point that i guess i really accepted fate.. it seems that no matter how hard i tried, i never succeed.. i cannot help but accept that thing in life is pre-destined.. there is a higher being.. someone who is manipulating our life.. we are just little nothings executing whatever that was supposed to be done.. we have no rights..

sometimes it is just so sad to sit right in front of someone and then the issue of timing floods your mind once again.. it is just so hard to find someone who has never fallen or never ever fall in love (either secretly or openly) with any of your friends.. it is just so hard to find someone who can click with you very well.. it is just so hard to find someone you like and someone who likes you.. when the person miraclously appears, close to 99% will the person appear at the wrong time..

i have watched endless hong kong drama about male A falls in love with female B who happens to be the best friend of female C.. A seeks C help to woo B.. however, because B is very pretty so she has endless suitors, therefore she chose the creme de corp (not really creme de corp but just that A is not that good :p).. in the end, don't know what stupid crapz then transpires between A and C and then A and C fall madly in love together.. yikes!! i can never be C.. because there is always a psychological barrier that i can never overcome.. if he could successfully woo MY FRIEND, i will never be with him.. i am just a second choice.. i don't mind being a second choice or third or fourth choice, unless none of the preceding choices are my friends..

i have my own set of thinking and i adhere very closely to them.. probably i am a taurus, it is just so hard to change my mind..

everyday i yearn so much for someone i can talk to.. someone who is not troubled themselves.. someone i don't have to spend a cent calling (cos my hp bill shoots up in the past 2 months).. i have found that someone.. but then i cannot buy it.. because i am very sure that my sister and i will never take care well of a poodle.. i really want to have the companionship of a poodle.. for one thing i am sure, i will not suddenly wake up to the fact that i was his second choice and my friend was his first choice but just that my friend could not set her eyes on him.. just like when you take 2nd hand furniture, you will never get them from your relative unless in great poverty.. come every chinese new year, your relatives will remember that the furniture belongs once to them and then you felt humiliated.. you got the furniture because your relatives don't want them and the whole world knows about it..

don't really know what i am writing now.. i guess i have a slight headache.. it is so sad that thing are turning out this way.. i have done so many thing to avert this.. nevertheless this happens..

..c'est la vie..

today i went to eat buffet@sizzler with MY and LM.. really overeat.. i was eating then i suddenly felt a pain in my stomach.. haiz.. diahoerria.. after the toilet, i still felt so unwell.. donno want to do then i tried to call people to chit chat..

Number 1 didn't pick up my call.. donno is it now doing NS? i am just bad at remembering who do what when..

Number 2 didn't pick up my call.. directly into her mail box.. probably she is still in China.. she told me when she is coming back but i just cannot rememeber when.. at first i thought she is coming back today.. then after the call, i think is 5th jan..

Number 3 also didn't pick up my call..

sianz.. wanted to call YC.. realised that she is now a mother.. dont think she will entertain phonecall at 11pm..

i swear i will never eat buffet again.. for at least 1 month..

p/s: see? now i m so bored until i come online at msn.. luckily there is some human out there who can talk to me..

felt like blogging.. hardly was i online for such a long time.. i was always quite exhausted after a day's work.. 7 days work week.. anyway, this will not be a problem with me soon..

always have the urge to go NUS to eat something.. but then i never go.. this is because NUS is quite inaccessible.. bus 95 and 96 are not very friendly.. the buses are always packed with million of people.. and i don't have a car, hence, it is super inconvenient to go NUS.. a month ago, i went NUS to meet client to sign LO, it was pretty late so i didn't manage to eat what i want to eat.. wonder if the fishball noodles there is nice..

i tried to execute my new year resolution just now.. in March hopefully will be the day i accomplished my resolution.. i really hope that one day i will be living with abundant happiness.. someday, i will forget that i am someone who just cannot make it into medical school in singapore..

it is time to sleep.. got a meeting early morning at 9.30am..

anyway, regarding timing.. my new year resolution would be to have sufficient courage to be a "handbag snatcher".. my time is running out..

maybe i should list out all my new year resolution.. ok.. the next entry =)

today is new year day. i spent some time today thinking about year 2008. from the first quarter to the third quarter of 2008, i really enjoyed myself tremendously.. learning german at NUS.. taking exciting chemistry modules.. minus the horrific FYP.. the best part of 2008 was travelling alone in Europe.. venturing alone in Liege in Belgium, a place where the people speaks only tongue of french, a language i have absolutely no knowledge about.. never knew that paris could be a place so interesting, but i am sure it is because my aunt and cousins brought me around or i will never be able to enjoy france.. i learnt alot of lessons from my german host.. i saw snow in innsbruck austria for my first time in life..

the last quarter of 2008 was horrible.. period.. so many thing that pissed me off.. but then i am blessed that i have friends who gave me emotional support..

now i am looking at 2009.. i am very sure what i want in life.. i am so desperate about it.. a friend told me to do what i want to do in life.. he told me that he wanted very badly to be a pilot.. but he had very serious myopia, so he undergone lasik.. after he regained his perfect vision, he went to apply for the position of pilot.. in the end, he didn't manage to succeed the interview.. nevertheless, he told me that at least he tried.. he suggested that i should pursue my passion as well.. i might get it.. even if i didn't get it, at least i tried and i can be accountable to myself.. this is inspiring..

however, the mind and the body is weak.. i must try to break out of this cycle.. i kept trying to pyscho myself today that by the end of first quarter 2009, i will be ready to persue my passion.. i shall commit myself to this in a few days time..

i am running out of time.. i want to live my life the way i want.. i want to leave this world without regrets..