死了.. 我真的想不通..

i really don't know why.. my only hope is gone.. i am so depressed now.. haiz.. but no one to talk to.. sianz.. someone!! can u please appear?

so today is supposed to be a beautiful satursday but i received an email which makes me so sad.. yup.. forget it, it's not good to write it on my blog..

oh ya, i really feel very very sad today.. but i still went for my tuition.. i suddenly felt so disappointed.. it seems like my life has ended.. perhaps i have complained too much to her.. my first instinct was to call her when i saw that email but she never picked up or replied my call.. it is ok la.. none of anyone's business.. it is just my own business..

oh ya, i really miss yc alot.. she is now no longer in singapore le.. i hardly have time to meet up with her when she was still here cos of work committement.. but now, i sort of don't have anymore chance to see her again..

i felt so insignificant when i was walking outside.. it seems like everyone has someone to talk to..

haiz.. it is so sad.. but what to do? it is the bad karma of my own actions..

anyway, thank you for sending that horrible email on this beautiful morning.. you have destroyed my day!! congrats for accomplishing your malicious aim..

I am so angry now..

I lost something some time back.. I tried all my best to get it back.. I didn't manage to get it and I felt so upset..

i tried to convince myself that it was not what i wanted.. i tried to think very badly of it.. i tried to stuff sour grapes into my mouth.. So as to devalue it so as to make me feel better.. so i told myself i don't love it.. i don't want it anymore..

and one fine day, it just came to me.. this time round within my reach.. if i want it, i can just place it in my pocket and make it mine..

but i don't have the courage of owning it once again.. cos of the uncertainity if it'll slip away from me again.. i don't want to go tro the emotional roller coaster of losing it again, then the sour grape denial.. it is just so painful..

it is better to let it go sometimes.. right now i don't understand why it is returning to me.. is it some sort of conspiration to ruin my life? i will not fall into the same trap anymore..

the stupidest thing one can do is to jump back into the same shit pit after he pull himself out of the smelly shit pit.. it sounds gross but it makes great sense..

so let me now pyscho myself that it is some sort of conspiracy to ruin my life..

it is a conspiracy!!
it is a conspiracy!!
it is a conspiracy!!

i simply hate temptation.. i did all i could to prevent temptation.. but temptation still comes.. anyway, i am going to resist it.. yesh.. i can do it!! i have wasted so much time of my life.. i don't want to waste my life again.. anyway, something is just not meant to be la..

oh ya, i ate burger king again today!! nearly wanted to eat for both lunch and dinner but luckily i controlled myself.. i love the onion rings =) the burger is nice as well.. y did i never realise that burger king is so nice until now? i love the onion rings.. yum yum =)

i am hoping for a miracle.. please let it happen so that all my ordeals will be over soon..

Ok, i bet readers of this blog know that I am a great fan of Beauty and the Beast.. In fact, I still like it.. Anyway, the hunchback of Notre Dame comes together with my Beauty and the Beast and hence, I decided to watch it..

I like the song "someday" in the movie.. someday, life will be fairer.. need will be rarer.. and greed will not pay..

however, life was never fair for Quasimodo.. He love the gyspy dancer Esméralda.. Though he saved her and acceded to whatever request she had, she did not end up with him eventually.. unlike beauty and the beast, where the beast regained his handsome self in the end, Quasimodo remained as a hunchback.. I believe this is the reason why Esméralda never wanted to be with him.. it is sad that Quasimodo never be with Esméralda.. I knew that this will also not happen in real life.. but why can't it not happen in fairy tale as well? make it a happy ending and so i can fantastize abit..

Anyway, I realise that I am not very happy now.. My life is in a big mess now.. Hoping against hope that i will be out of this shit soon.. I have to thank some bitches for making this happen.. without them, my life can't be this sad.. yup.. I believe that they will have retribution soon..

Anyway, I felt so hungry the whole day today.. I wonder how many calories I have already swallowed today.. Sad.. I didn't even have the courage to do an estimation..

food..

haha.. whoever has eaten with me before knows that i eat alot.. yup.. anyway, T and i went out to eat burger king (cos i have cravings for BK these few days cos of the onion ring).. so i ordered a meal with upsized onion rings and drink.. and T only eat meal with small onion rings and drink.. oh no!! anyway, i asked him if i eat the most among all his females fren.. he said yes.. haiz.. maybe i need to do some reflection..

and the worst thing is my neighbor also comments that i kept losing weigh.. *faint* someone please said i have grown fatter and fatter so i might go on fasting.. haha..

oh ya, after the upsized BK meal, i still felt hungry.. so when i reached home, i ate some strawberries and cherries.. fruit wont make me fat ya? hahaha..

anyway, though i eat alot, i don't eat indiscriminately.. for instance, if i dont like to eat something, i won't eat.. and i will be super pissed off if someone forces me to eat something i don't like to eat.. i am not a pig, i have the right to choose my food..

talking about that.. i was so angry someone put some stupid sauce on my hotdog bun during lunch today..

T said we should go eat buffet the next time.. i looked at him with disdain.. can you eat that much? he then challenged me.. we shall see..

recently i have been staying away from buffet because i really will eat alot.. unlesss the food sucks la..

if only i could live life again..

i was out roaming in the wee hours of the night just now.. i saw a brown butterfly always flying around me.. is it you? have you evolved into that butterfly, to protect me for fear that bad guys might come to endanger my life? if it were you, why did you choose to abandon me? i rather have you as a human, rather than a butterfly..

the butterfly suddenly disappeared.. this confirmed that it is you.. because the butterfly abandoned me the same way you abandoned me in the past..

perhaps it was my fault.. anyway, i just want to let u know that i miss you tremendously..

and between now and then, till i see you again.. i will be loving you.. love me..

Media that makes me touched..

Valentine by Martina Mcbride
it is weird.. i felt so touched when i listened to this song.. i was buying waffle when i heard this song.. i was loitering in the shop till this song was over.. weird.. why do i suddenly feel touched? probably the part "You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly" is the culprit?

Save the best for the last by Vanessa Williams
i love this song a lot.. the whole song is so meaningfully written though it is just a hoax la.. nevertheless, life will only be pretty if everyone could use their imagination to fantastise.. this song is great in the sense that the lyrics are very nice.. Just when I thought our chance had passed. You go and save the best for last

Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite cartoon.. i finally got hold of its VCD.. it took me alot of effort to get the copy.. and yes, no need to ask me to lend you, i won't lend.. haha.. the scene that touched me the most was the part when Beauty finally danced with Beast.. though it will never happen in this real world.. somehow this deception that "what is within you supercedes the ugliness exterior" is just too beautiful.. and people with truly good heart will be appreciated, regardless of their appearance.. i just felt so touched when i see them danced.. maybe it is too beautiful to be true and i have never seen it before.. hence, i could not help but to feel in this way when i saw the scene.. I am still hoping to get the german version of this walt disney cartoon.. gosh.. will i ever have the german copy leh? please let it drop from the sky!! i have combed a few record stores when i was in DE le, still no luck =(

if only this will happen in the real world.. i watched oprah winfrey today and it was about a litle girl from the Philipphines with an angelic voice.. she always yearned to be a famous singer so that she could provide her single mum and siblings with a confortable life.. anyway, i am lazy to elaborate.. what touched me was the moment she cried (in joy) when her dream of singing with her idol and her dream of fighting against poverty were finally fulfiled.. i admired her alot because i knew that this can never happen to me.. nevertheless, i was not jealous of her.. and i was touched when i knew that she is now a happy girl..

tomorrow morning will be the moment of truth.. 13 seems to be an unlucky number.. sianz.. but then i will only be upset for 1 hour ya?

forgot my password to this blog again!! i am so scared i will forget my yahoo mail password because i hardly use my yahoo mail.. imagine if i were to request for password for my blog, it would be sent to my yahoo mail and then i forget my yahoo mail password and also the answer to the question to retrieve the password.. my god, i will be screwed lor.. i like this blog, i don't want to change to a new blog..

anyway, today N said that i look like doll cos i have freckles.. someone then mentioned that barbie doll has no freckles so it was not supposed to be a compliment.. cos the doll she was refering to was most probably the big-faced ragged doll with her hair braided into 2 braid.. that kind of ugly doll.. haiz.. then i rather be those killer dolls in seed of chucky.. at least i can kill bitches and those guys who live off woman!! anyway, this is the first time anyone said that i look like a doll..

Was supposed to do my homework when i met S in the library.. ended up talking to him instead and i didn't do my homework.. i told S that i have given up on going to DE with saddness in my tone.. after that, i felt even sadder.. when i was young, i always believe that u can make thing happens if u put in effort.. but this has proven to be a hoax.. so my dream of going to DE will never happen.. and i will never be happy.. when was the last time i feel heavenly happy? i cannot remember.. what i could remember was that i have been feel very very sad for a long time..

p/s: i have previously tried to go DE but it failed.. not that i never tried.. but now i am reluctant to try again because of no confidence of succeeding.. DE shall just be my dream..

p/s2: i remembered i asked 1 of my guy-fren if he likes anyone.. he replied that he was very upset at that moment and therefore he was unable to like anyone.. now i finally understood what does that mean..

most of the time, i wonder if you would console me if you are still alive.. maybe i will be happier if you are still alive.. because i am sure that you will guide me to happiness..

不可能的，果然就是不可能。。

shall talk more abt it later on.. gotta run and do something i dont like to do now..

The Dark Side of Huifang
felt quite happy today.. cos i finally heard something i wanted to hear all this while.. i wonder if i will feel more upset if it fails.. but then at least i try right? i have made up my mind liaoz.. so i am not going to entertain any "advice".. so because of this, my mood now is super good =)

oh ya, anyway, 12years of friendship is very scary because it really allows people to understand you.. of course, my natural instinct is to deny the statement.. but i was not very sure if she was voicing out my sub-conscious mind.. i guess not la.. i don't think i will make such a vicious statement.. or is it so?

funny i wonder if i am gossiping too much recently.. i hardly give a damn about all these in the past.. but now i am starting to gossip also.. does it mean that i am turning into an auntie soon? oh no, is this the effect of aging? anyway, now that xc is leaving sg probably for good(unless she decides to come back again..), i will be missing alot of juicy gossips!! anyway, i have great deals of ethics!! i know what i can say and what i cannot say la.. if u tell me u like xx, i won't be so brainless and tell everyone that u like xx la.. just to clarify in case, no one wants to share these kinds of priviledged information with me anymore =(

anyway, i will be undergoing meditation next week.. wish me sucess to find my "inner self".. hahaha..

sometimes i always asked myself if it is my fault.. other thing probably, but not this.. this is NOT my fault..

i felt injustice.. i wonder why it has come to this stage when i am hoping against hope to go back in time.. damn sad, i can never go back in time.. i know i have to look forward and not dwell on the past.. i just cannot get over the fact that i am supposed to go through this crapz when it is not my fault.. i shouldn't blamed anyone.. so m i supposed to blame myself when it is clearly not my fault..

i want to leave this sickening place but there is no opportunity to go the land of my happiness.. should i now plan to go the happy land? or am i fated not to be able to go to the happy land?

anyway, i watched oprah winfrey.. the topic discussed is life after the gastric bypass.. 3 morbidly obese females, of weigh about 300-400+ pounds, underwent gastric bypass in the hope to change their life.. so after the surgery, the size of the stomach shrank dramatically and could at most accommodate 6 grapes.. due to this, they lost weigh and became strikingly pretty ladies.. one even posed for playboy magazine.. however, they were not happy.. becuase they had always used food as an avenue to drown their problems.. but after the operation, their tiny stomach prevented them to drown their problem by excessive consumption.. so they turned to alcohol.. because of their tiny stomach, they could feel intoxicated almost immediately they drink..

i fully sympathised with them.. this world is so practical.. i mean who will give a damn about fat people leh?

i got comments that i am very fat and colleague even put a free california fitness 1 week pass on my table.. i guess i have to change my fate now...... stomach bypass is a no-no for me.. i love grapes but 6 is too few.. haha..

心好痛..

accidentally pressed the wrong number on the phone and the line got through.. awkward conversation.. past events flooding my mind.. haiz..

anyway, i am going to do something very courageous next week.. bless me.. hahaha.. i know this is very stupid but i m keeping my finger crossed.. i am praying hard..

I was so nervous for my FTT.. Half clutch, engine braking, gears.. Haiz.. I cannot seems to fathom them.. In the end, I just worried for nothing because the FTT turned out to be a test on common sense.. I still could not believe that it was so easy..

I got up at 4am today due to intense hunger.. I tried to ignore it but somehow I felt hungrier so I ate biscuits.. 3 packets of meiji's plain cracker together with some soya bean milk.. surprisingly, after the food intake, i felt very sleepy once again.. i went back to sleep..

anyway, these few days i am getting lazier.. or rather i see no point in doing certain things.. cos i have woke up..

anyway, something funny to share.. so a guy claimed that he likes the gal alot.. so she was waiting for him to do something on her bdae.. but he didn't even realise that it was her bdae.. means that he didn't even wish her belated bdae at all.. so i was trying so hard to convince her that he don't like her.. because he didn't even realise it is her bdae.. she then mentioned that guys are bad at dates so is ok.. why can't she realise that boyfriends will be good with dates (because he has to impress her).. only husbands are bad with dates (because apparently he got her liaoz so can understand if he didn't put in that much effort).. can't she see that her other guy-frens can remember her bdae but not him.. if guys are bad with dates, then she shouldn't have received bdae wishes from any of her other guy-friends right? I hope I am wrong.. I hope he likes her too..

We are all living in self-delusion.. Not only her, I am a victim as well.. I deluded myself that excessive consumption of delicious biscuit won't make me fat..