let me write this post first before i sleep.. i am filled with intense anger!! if i don't write it out.. i might be too angry to sleep..

don't know why sometimes i think i am just treated as a joke.. he is supposed to keep a promise but he didn't.. questions that he raised to me in order to ask me to do something else instead of the agreed event, just pissed me off.. to make me even more angry when he said he wanted to meet at xx instead.. any frens of mine who gg to ask me to meet at xx, just don't bother asking.. cos i will first be angry and then i will not want to go xx.. i hate the place that brought me bad memories.. i wonder what is wrong with me.. why am i so angry? i guess is because of the recent hiccup in life that screwed me up.. but i am sure this is not the major reason why i was so pissed just now.. the worse was that he was also angry..

i guess i shouldn't be angry.. because i don't have the right to be angry.. i guess i cannot be angry.. damn.. i just felt so insignificant..

forget it.. who am i? nobody even cares where i want to go.. probably the place i want to go is too weird.. but then can you just accomodate me? suan le.. maybe u don't give a damn..

these few days were peaceful..

oh ya, the most un-expected was to receive a call from someone i don't really know well and he said that he likes me.. and i am very attractive(ok, readers, u can go ahead and puke).. he offered his help as well.. we have seen each other for only one time.. he is a nice guy.. ok la.. i was quite flattered to encounter such direct guy..

oh ya, i am so bored recently.. but i remindered myself not to do anything stupid to ward off my boredom..

i went to the airport.. as usual i like to sit at the arrival hall.. i like to see happy people coming out of the gates from their trip.. i like to see beautiful air stewardess.. not as wat C said, to hitch an ang moh..

took bus 36 to orchard for my class.. there was a group of 6 finnish.. so one of the finnish guy came to me and ask me where he should alight.. i really have no idea.. haha.. so i asked him to seek the help of the driver.. in the end, we ended up chatting.. i think i could have be more helpful but i wasn't in a good mood..

oh ya.. these few days KW and C have been calling me and chatting to me.. KW was there to give advice of wat i shld do.. anyway, C is always so funny.. talking to him is so entertaining.. he is just like G.. but then G is no longer in my life.. people are just stopping past by ur life.. and most of the time.. i am the one who spite people off..

oh ya.. i gotta lose some fat.. though my weigh still remains constant, my tummy has increased in width.. yucks.. it going to be horrific if i don't do anything..

blue day 12

i guess today was not that blue already.. yesterday was the ultimate blue day.. to the extent of playing with fire.. now i am thinking of way to salvage the situation.. i pray that it will just die down with time..

anyway, yesterday i went tuition.. since 4 months i saw my kid.. was supposed to be at her house at 3pm.. i reached queenstown mrt at 2.45pm.. her house is just in the vicinity of the mrt station.. but it was raining cats and dogs.. there was no way for me to walk in the rain to her house because i will be badly drenched if i stepped out into the rain.. then the mum called.. she understood my situation and then she put down the phone reciever but i heard every word clearly..

mum: girl, u want to bring the umbrella to ur teacher or just let her wait there until the rain stop?

kid: let her wait..

so i waited for a good whole 25 mins for the rain to subside.. thank god the rain subsided quite substantially..

anyway today afternoon i gained back my consciousness.. so much so i realised that i shouldn't have done wat i have done yesterday.. and with my clearer mind, i could understand certain thing that i could previously not understand.. however i haven't found any solution.. but at least i understood..

was watching 变奏曲 on channel 8 today.. i always love this drama because it showed that everything in life is fated.. if your life is fated to have an ending of tragedy, your life will end in tragedy despite having the opportunity to go back time and re-choose your path..

anyway, the show today showed the book on Endless love of Taj Mahal.. Taj Mahal was built by an Indian king for her beloved demised queen(history of Taj Mahal).. it was a promise to her that he would build the Taj Mahal for her.. it took many years and manpower for the building to be completed.. so the male lead depicted by Elvin wondered if it is possible that people do keep their promise and definitely deliver it even if the promise will take very long time to deliver..

this scene touched my heart quite alot although i don't believe that most people will keep their promise to love someone for the rest of his life..

however i have known of a him who kept his promise to love her with all of his life.. but she didn't keep her promise to love him with all her life probably because she couldn't due to the expectional circumstance she was in.. in the end, he was heartbroken.. it really pained my heart when i saw him cry on several occasions.. the picture of him crying was constantly on my mind even up till now.. it was a reminder to myself of this harsh world.. never be fooled by people who promise you because most of the time, people over-promise but under deliver.. and there is no such thing as happily ever after..

blue day 10

it is another blue day for me..

but in the morning i was quite happy to talk to someone.. though i wonder if i will see him ever again.. but then i guess the possibility is quite small.. recently i felt quite glad that people do remember me..

oh ya.. so these few days i was trying to understand what i really want in life.. i guess i have been too much of a goody goody.. i am so tired of that.. i wonder why i have to conform to the expectation of the society.. recently i got a big temptation.. i wonder if i shld just succumb to it.. should i? or should i not? the thought of it is just so tempting..

anyway, i will try to be less blue from next week onwards.. maybe i should be more adventrous as well..

why care so much? everyone has only 1 live.. u gotta live it..

anyway, today i prayed for the baddies to have their retribution again..

blue day 9..

today is another blue day.. so blue..

wanted to make today a productive day but i failed.. i guess there is just something more important in life i should achieve before anything else..

i promise i will change my attitude.. i will not expect too much before everything has been confirmed.. cos it is not mine to begin with.. i promise to lower my expectation.. i promise to be more understanding.. i promise to be less demanding.. history must not repeat itself.. i will not want to lose anyone anymore in the future..

oh ya.. another thing.. someone has been hanging me in the air.. this is one of the reason that makes me so blue.. it is so irritating.. u like to leave me hanging in the air?

even bluer was someone whom i always confide in disappeared into thin air.. i guess i really piss that person off.. it is ok la.. i know what wrong i have done.. i will try not to repeat this.. sad to say, this incident was actually history repeating itself.. or probably that person was also in the wrong? heck la.. it doesn't matter.. i shall just look forward.. i promise i will not repeat history anymore.. this shall be the last time..

oh i always believe that thou shalt sow thy seed.. whenever i am free, i will silently pray that those baddies will be unlucky.. may they suffer a life of tragedy.. may they be inflicted with both mental and physical sickness..

another blue day..

at least today someone did communicate to me.. was quite enjoyable sms-ing someone i don't really know well in the late morning till afternoon when supposedly everyone is working.. was hoping he asked me out but in the end, he didn't.. so i supposed work still comes first ya? or rather we are not that close to begin with.. i had deep impression about him cos he doubted when i told him that i am not attached.. and i doubted when he told me that he is not attached either..

was reading the cleo magazine and i finally realise why some thing happened.. i will try to learn from the magazine and hope for the best..

oh ya, i am quite disappointed that one of my fren never replied my call.. all i wanted to hear was "give up".. was hoping to receive the call soon so i can stop pinning hope on something that is impossible..

anyway.. was learning to live life alone.. should stop bothering every single soul around me.. cos people just don't understand why i am so blue now.. it is ok.. my soulmate "myself" understood what i am feeling now..

i must live the world with me and myself..

because others's world has no space for u..

my world is still blue.. but definitely less blue compared to yesterday.. my world has collapsed very badly now.. nevertheless i was quite grateful to people who had been talking to me for the past few days.. into wee hours of the night.. it is nice when a fren of mine actually asked me why i never went to find him..

the feeling i am experiencing right now is worse than a r/s failure.. it seems like the end of the tunnel.. words of comfort failed to pull me out of this nasty fate..

xc told me that i never had luck.. i feel that she makes sense.. i asked her why so many thing in my life has screwed up.. from career to study to r/s.. the only reason is the absence of luck.. so is it my fault that i am born not as lucky as the people around me?

it is not my fault but i just have to live with it..

wanted to do something today but in the end, i didn't get a chance to execute it.. i am sure is due to the absence of luck..

我的世界已经塌了..

it has been another blue day for me.. it has come to a point where i really lose interest in thing in life.. i am so lost.. i don't know what i want in life.. i want to have a break.. i want to run away.. my sis cannot stop quarrelling with me.. i just want some peace which i cannot get..

my gf got some r/s problem.. but to me, i hardly priortise r/s in my life.. yes, i yearn for a soulmate.. yes, i want a happily ever after with my charming prince.. but no, i know all these are just a hoax.. after 24 years of living life, i learnt that there is never such a thing as happily ever after.. so my advice to my fren is always, attached la.. why not? cannot then just break ma..

i want to play.. i want to do alot of thing.. but i am somewhat bounded by morals and ethics.. how good my life is if there is no morals and ethics.. there are occasions of temptation.. an opportunity to do something i yearn to do.. but then i cannot do them.. darn.. it seems like baddies always have the last laugh.. they live the longest of time.. then why strive to be a good person? good person is never appreciated u know? i want to be a bad person BUT i failed all the time because i cannot bring myself to be a bitch..

sometimes u don't know whether u want something BUT on the verge of losing, u suddenly realise u cannot live without it..

i am so bored to the extent of dying.. it is not because i don't have work to do.. but is the mental fatigue.. the pain of trying to amuse my sad soul yet abiding rules and regulations imposed by the society.. when can i break free from all expectations?

and can someone please come rescue me?

everyone is just so immersed in their own world.. i am just like a drifter.. aimlessly floating about in this big earth.. wanted to settle down at a corner where human beings are present.. but alas! i failed..

did i just scream? i guess so.. but why didn't anyone look at me? probably it was not loud enough.. should i try even louder? but i believe i did scream hard enough because my voice is too hoarse now.. then why did no one look at me? i am so tall.. how could it be possible that anyone missed seeing me?

now i understand why there is multiple personality disorder.. how alters could arise.. i never believe in this pyschiatric disease in the past.. but now i do.. all beings are just so fragile.. sometimes when u are in deep shit, yet no one wants to lend a helping hand.. u just have to help urself.. knowing that helping urself is pathetic.. u create someone to help urself.. however, the creator didn't realise that it is equally as pathetic.. because the creator is in oblivion that he is the creator.. he mistakenly thought that the creation was a long awaited god-given grace.. it is sad that people hardly wakes up from their dreams.. probably their subscious self just want to protect..

i really want to go study german in germany.. i am hoping so hard that i could save up to go fulfil my dream.. but now everything has shattered.. i know i am going to live life with regrets.. i have already 1 regret in life.. looks like the 2nd one will be coming in..

but deep down i know that you will wait for.. if u get there before i do, don't give up on me.. i'll meet you when my chores are through i donno how long i'll be.. but i not gonna let u down.. darling wait and see.. and between now and then and till i see u again i will be loving u.. love me..