i am so sad.. why do i have no courage to leave him?? why?? disgusting me.. nvm, at least i knew this was not the case anymore..

i guess everyone takes alot of courage to end.. but i guess i have to end it soon.. i am a very selfish girl.. the longer it drags, the more painful it takes to get over thing..

oh well, i felt like crying.. everything is so screwed up..

oh well.. i am so emo now.. i don't know why i am feeling this way.. felt like calling him but changed my mind.. cos i knew he'll be leaving me soon.. and i don't want to be so dependable on him now..

so last week he told me that we should just take a 2 weeks break from each other.. we were meeting each other practically every single day..

too tired now, shall just sleep now.. tomorrow is such a looooooooong day.. got a job interview in the morning and i will be training pple on the software procedure..

crapz..

wa i wondered why i even gone to work today.. cos i was so sad that i teared uncontrollably.. so many shitty thing happened and then some weird r/s problem.. our situation is so bad that today i finally told him what my concerns were..

and he agreed that there is very complicated problem between us.. he asked if we should just stop seeing each other anymore because he thinks that this will end pretty soon.. this was discussed in the later part of the night and there was no conclusion when we rushed for the last train..

we were so confused over this problem and in the end, he called to continue the discussion.. for some reason, he was uttering weird sentences and then i gave up and decided to let him sleep while we continue tomorrow..

i can sense that this will be ending pretty fast and i don't know we should just end it earlier since the situation is so complicated now.. the work matter i confirm dead le, now left with this complicated situation hanging in the air.. i guess i dont want it to end today.. but maybe i will end it tmr.. if he still said those stupid thing that he dont mean it.. sianz..

oh ya, these few days super depressed.. somehow i transferred my negativity to one of my friend.. he accompanied me after work.. anyway, probably i am really a selfish person, i didnt ask him to go home to rest despite he was tired..

oh ya, i rmb the day when i shed some tears in office, he came to eat lunch with me.. he explained that he hates rumors but then it seems like he had no choice.. i didnt shed tears on purpose but i just could not help it lor.. we ate for more than an hour.. and i tin my boss knew i mia but then she didnt complain or wat as i think she knew that I am upset..

how do u know if someone is the one for u? do real love really know no boundary?? wow..

anyway i am too tired.. i wish that i could have a day off at work and we can just go out together =D

hmmm.. navy open house is over.. my week was too exciting.. nearly fainted.. learnt alot of PR skills.. i am sure i know a fair share of PR skills but just tt i don't see the needs to display them in front of lousy people..

really grateful to one person who had helped me so much.. really glad..

anyway, i was so disappointed that he still did not show that he likes me.. so sad.. why do i have this screwed thinking that he still like me? diaoz..

can u believe my freaking boss complained to my big boss abt me? oh well, it is you who initiate the fight.. asshole, i will make ur life hell..

anyway someone pissed me off today.. i told him i will get it done but i need some time.. he then asked his big boss to help and said that his big boss should be more effective than me.. i cannot believe this!! i told him i will confirm get the thing done.. since he found someone more effective to help, then i will not give a damn then.. and good luck to him..

it is weird.. how come i got this quite strong feeling that someone might like me..

hmmm.. let's see if he bought that cardholder for me.. hmmm.. wait a moment.. if he likes me, he would have known my bdae ya? i mean like he has access to my biodata.. so if he cares, he would have known my birthdate and did something special for me ya?

hmmm.. my colleague has been hinting to me on that.. but then i think is better to shrug it away.. if a guy likes a gal, he will never forget her bdae..

oh no.. i guess i am really in deep crapz.. haiz.. why why why?? i am so confused of myself.. who am i??

my god.......................

expect no more u punk.............

oh so it boils down to the fact i care.. i just knew that i just cannot have it.......

never mind la, i am so used to not having it every year liaoz... i should be used to it right? why the hell am i making such a big fuss?

darn la.. it is my fault.. my fault..

i cannot believe this is happening AGAIN this year.........

i am darn busy lor............. i wonder if this is God's effort to keep me busy so that my mind will not stray.. my mind is resistant to believing in things that give people false hope.. but then who knows if that will never work?

more thing coming up.. i m refreshing my knowledge on dreamweaver.. i need to upload certain files on my branch webbie..

and... darn my secondary appt is getting stressful i tin.. and i will never forget the remark made by someone very important.. if u are an apple but u can only do an orange job, then will be bad.....

darn...

never in my life have i been so chaotic...... i am just so sad..... so many thing to do and i wonder if my efforts are recognised..

may is my bdae month.. yet may will be the busiest month of the year.. so many things but i should have nothing to complain abt.. cos i was given an nsf to help me with my work when i wasnt entitled to.. so ya.. so i got manpower and should not complain is it? haiz..............

anyway sometimes i realised that my heart is shattered to a million pieces..... it is so cui and i just knew that it could never be whole again..

i felt so disappointed tt someone stole my effort.. darn it.. it is so disgusting.. am i still in banking? if not, how come can this still happen?

and to make matter even worst..

i saw the true color of one of my friend.. it is so disappointing.. after all the drama-rama of someone stealing my effort and my supervisor didnt even want to fight for me, and only my branch head felt very unfair for me and exhausted all her means to fight something for me.. i just felt that everything is hopeless the moment my branch head called me to inform me tt my supervisor just say that i only put in SOME effort for the project and so the effort of the project could be shared with another person.. darn it..

and then my "friend", he sent me an sms.. and i knew that i had a wrong understanding of the relationship i thought it was.. he never treated me as a friend.. and i am so sad and angry.. why am i such a moron?

i felt so bitter and sad.. darn..

as time pass by, i know whatever i want is no longer possible.. i finally understand that some thing are just not meant to be..

i still need some time to force myself to believe that thing not meant to be will never be..........

can i just believe in this and not deceive myself anymore?

my life has gone so wrong.. probably i am reaping my retribution i think.. haiz..

i worked ytd.. and i learnt something that broke my heart..

someone cracked a joke during a wedding.. guys always hope to be with someone pretty and choosing a gf is like choosing grocery in a supermarket.. when they see someone at 1st floor, they were not contented most of the time and they would go up to 2nd floor and to the 3rd then the 4th becos they tot they could find someone prettier.. so in the end, when they reached the 5th floor, there was no more girls but just a sign that says "you have already reached the highest storey"..

after this narration, the bride asked the groom at which floor did he meet her.. he replied basement 2 and everyone laughed..

this is sad.. when will u know if u have already reached the floor 4 or u are still at 1st floor and there are still more ahead for u to choose and so u r not in any hurry to decide on this particular one..

i wonder if i really know wat i want in life.. not every single human is perfect.. hence, we must be practical and must understand that a perfect prince charming will not appear in front of u.. and we must understand that if the level of imperfection is within our tolerance level, we should just settle for it.. because no one is perfect.. really..

i always want to have a grand birthday surprise.. exactly the kind that featured in the drama..

the male lead picked the female lead from her house on her birthday.. he then bring her to breakfast and lunch and fun activities.. then he brought her to his house for nice wine.. and when both of them reached his house and switched the lights on.. the female lead was touched.. all her friends were there and someone passed him the birthday cake and he started singing happy bdae.. and everyone followed...

wow.. and the cake was from a super ex ex hotel.. i dont like cheap cake.. and it was so yummy that i could swallow the whole cake but i cannot be selfish as i need to share with my friends as well..

then there were many trays of food he catered.. tonnes of food.. all of my favourite food.. got my fav samosa, fish, chicken, pastry, noodles and...........

and there is wine....... wow....... everything is so great...... but i know this is not possible.. ya.... cos i am not pretty enough to have a bf who love me this much to throw this kind of expensive party which requires him tonnes of preparation and effort..

nowadays guys everything also go dutch.. the funniest being at the end of the surprise party, for the donno how many times we go out tgt, he will want me to pay for everything eg his meals and movie cos he is too broke after he organised my surprise bdae party.. guys are so cheapo.. this could happen.. really..

never in my life am i so pissed..... luckily he didnt ignore me.. i wonder how can i go on after june cos i will never see him again.. this is the first time i had a friend at work who really knows what on earth i m talking about..

anyway i so sianz today.. tmr i will be at one of the office doing i-dunno-wat.. i know nuts abt the system and am just a facilitator.. but i have to appear.. darn waste of my time.. then i need to go gombak for meeting.. initially was on fri but luckily the date of the meeting was changed to tmr.. and then tue i got to go for-god-heaven-sake changi in the morning.. and next day got meeting and i need to do minutes.. my god.. just let me die.. i donno when the last min will be available for distribution.. fri i gg to take leave.. got pple die i also dont give a damn le.. i m really exhausted le =(

oh.. my pretty face.. i gone into second round for the public relation thingy.. n i think chances of me getting is high.. oh.. i hope i can have a smooth time at work and also this PR thingy.. i hope everything will be alright!! what i like about public relation is that not so much job to begin with but yet not everyone can do the job well.. oh my, am i praising myself? oh well.. i never wanted this in the first place but seems like i have no choice.. haiz.....

i am a perfectionist.. i think i inherited my perfectionist gene from my father.. hence, i am borned a perfectionist.. =)

story of a poor apple..

an apple is forced to be an orange.. so in the end, the apple tastes like an orange.. so now, people faulted the apple for not being an apple but an orange instead..

is life fair? my god.. are u guilty of this?