Wenn es nicht passieren kann, wird es nicht passieren..

Endlich hatte ich dieses Jahr einen Kuchen zum Geburtstag.. Ein hazelnusser Kuchen!! Ich bevorzugte Butterkuchen, aber ich kaufte den nicht.. Weil ich Butterkuchen mag, und ich war sicher, dass ich den ganzen Kuchen alleine essen kann.. Ich will nicht übergewicht sein!!

Der Kuchen, den ich kaufte, war klein, aber er war genug für zwei Leute.. Es gab zu viel Sahne.. Das Wetter war sehr heiß, aber windig.. Der Kuchen schmeckte mir nicht so gut.. Ich wusste, dass den Kuchen nicht so gut schmeckt, aber ich kaufte den.. Der Kuchen ist nämlich klein.. Wenn ich ein großer Kuchen kaufen würde, äße ich alles!! Dann wäre es schrecklich!!

Gestern ging ich ins Kino.. Es gab European Film Festival.. Ich sah den deutschen Film, "Der Fremde in mir." Ohne Untertitel glaubte ich dass, ich den Film nicht ganz verstehen kann.. Der Film geht es um, eine Frau, die nach der Geburt ihres Kindes an Depression litt.. Manchmal wurde die Frau ihr Kind töten.. Die Frau fühlte sich ganz stressig und brachte Hilfe zum Aufpassen des Kindes, aber ihr Mann konnte nicht verstehen.. Deshalb streiteten die Beide viel.. Männer sind schweine!! Vor der Hochzeit wird Mann ganz sympathesisch und sehr verstehend.. Wenn seine Freundin ganz stress ist, wird er ihr hilft.. Aber nach der Hochzeit ist alles anders.. Der Mann wird zu seiner Frau sagen, dass er sich auch stressig fühlt, und die Frau muss alles selbst machen, obwohl sie sich stressig fühlt..

Heute ist ein trauriger Tag.. Das ist ok.. Ich bin nur eine kleine Frau.. Der Welt ist ganz groß.. Die Leute auf der Welt ist auch groß.. Deshalb kann niemand mich sehen.. Die meiste Zeit denke ich, warum ich auf der Welt bin.. Ich bin ganz so klein.. Vielleicht weiß niemand, dass ich auf der Welt bin.. Mein Leben ist in einer Verwirrung.. Darf ich aufgeben?

huifang is inventing a time machine..

i wonder why i can never go back time.. i need to go back time to salvage situation..

(a) if i could go back time, i will be nicer to you.. i have heard about the story which someone walks down the forest.. there are many gems that lies on the ground.. he could choose and pick up one of the gems before the forest.. however, he could not turn back and once he makes the decision to pick up a gem, he cannot choose another gem again.. so stupidly, i walked down the forest.. i like gems that is barbie doll pink.. i saw one that is of light pink but not exactly barbie doll pink.. i didn't pick it up.. in the end, i realised that all the gems ahead were of other colors that were not to my liking.. i kept walking ahead.. in the end, i came to the exit of the forest unknowingly.. and that meant that i don't have a gem!! i want that light pink gem now!!!

(b) have you ever felt so bad for being responsible for someone's death? in 变奏曲, the male lead didn't pick up the call of the gal who called him relentlessly.. she was in love in him but it was not reciprocated.. in the end, the gal died because he didn't pick up the call and so he didn't get the chance to save her.. anyway, i felt so guilty now.. another occasion was that i didn't know that ignoring someone will cause someone to die.. i was too young and immature then.. anyway i guess i have my retribution now.. i am being ignored now..

(c) i have hurted someone so badly in the past.. i was also young and immature then.. probably that was why i ballooned to 103kg and guys mocked at me in secondary school and JC.. i never ever forget that when i was JC, a guy liked me but i overheard his fren telling him not to fall in love with a 103kg gal cos it is not socially acceptable.. i never blamed anyone on this.. i can only blamed myself cos i believe that this was the seed that i sowed from infliicting "injury" on that someone..

(d) i should have studied accountancy in NTU instead of chemistry in NUS.. moreover i should have studied hard in my year 1 and 2 instead of playing so hard and seeing my CAP plunge like mad before i see the urgent need to buck up or i might not even make it to honours.. luckily i got quite a couple of A after i bucked up..

(e) i should have trusted my gut feeling instead of gg to xx.. shit.. i felt so stupid..

(f) i placed my trust over the wrong person.. *period* i neglected the fact that the person is a wrong one..

anyway, i want a time machine badly.. it is so hard to carry on live with so many regrets.. understands that i should learn lessons and live life without repeating history.. but i really cannot carry on already.. it is disappointment after disappointment.. at first i thought that someone was there to reach out for me cos an angel saw a falling soul and somewat sympathesizes with me badly but then i realised that he wanted to help because there is ulterior motive..

have u ever felt so lost that you are consulting the tarot cards for advice cos either people don't care or they simply don't know what to advice..

i hope my invention will be successful.. or rather i hope i am fated to have a time machine..

everyone is so busy.. i am supposed to be busy as well.. because i have 2 exams to tackle.. nevertheless, all i wanted to do is to go out and to be a couch potato(after i have spent too much on going out)..

the feeling right now is so forlorn.. it makes weird sense that i felt even less forlorn in europe although i was travelling alone.. i love liege, the little city in belgium.. although no one could talk to me as i don't speak french, i felt so happy there..

when i was in europe, i thought that a good place to live in is a place where all your friends belong.. so i started to miss singapore but i am wrong because friends are just friends, they can never always be there for you.. i really longed to get away from singapore.. to a country which readily accepts me.. i really want to go germany but it is just so hard to get a job there..

oh ya.. i miss my mummy and daddy alot.. but they are always not there.. i went to balaclava today.. i thought it was not opened on sat night but i was wrong.. saw these group of people celebrating someone's bdae (whom i guess is their fellow colleague).. the band was singing a bdae song for him and then the waiter handed him a cake.. when i saw the cake, emotions overwhelmed me..

whatever my german host told me, i never forget..i have only 10 months left.. i need to work hard.. because time is running out...

it is fantastic to travel alone in europe!! the feeling is indescribly wonderful..

sometimes it is not so fun to go out with people who allows me to make decision where to go and where to eat.. and when i set the meeting place, the next question that follows would be where to eat.. to begin with, i m a very spontaneous person.. only in studies and work and serious stuff do i really plan my stuff.. but in my free time, i don't plan to the exact detail what i should go to when i reach the place and where i should eat..

when i was travelling alone in europe, no one was there to ask me which states to visit and therefore i can just decide which state to go only the day before and having absolutely no idea what to see in the state.. my host was even more worried than me when i told her i didn't have a guide book or even a map for amsterdam and liege but i was venturing there anyway.. i could have imagined if i got a travel companion, the person would be so damn worried and the next thing is that my trip would be cancelled due to insufficient planning..

travelling alone is fun because you don't have to account to someone when and where you all should eat.. for me, i would just walk around and eat only when i saw something appealing or when i m hungry.. and in unfamiliar city like amsterdam and liege, i would have absolutely no idea what i could eat.. oh please, i want to eat something nice and exotic!! so don't keep bugging me what we should eat..

traveling alone is fun because you don't have to compromise.. though i am fat, i can walk super long distance.. but not everyone could or want to do so.. and i walk very slowly and i don't like to refer to map, so chances is the person would be terrified of being lost.. map is for me to get back to the train station or hotel.. i don't mind if someone read the map and lead the way and show me how i can tour around the city.. but i hate it when someone said that i am lazy to read the map and always rely on someone to read it.. please!! this is my style, i don't read map unless after 1 hour of walk, wat we see is only trees and more trees and it seems like we are going to enter an uncivilised area or we are really lost..

travelling alone is fun because you can meet interesting people..=) having a companion deprives you meeting people because it is so hard for strangers (who eventually becomes your friends) to come talk to you and your friend.. however, it might not be safe travelling alone.. but then ms huifang is a street smart.. haha.. so no big deal with that.. but then taking photo might be difficult..

after travelling alone, i realised that if you want to do something, just go and do it on your own ba.. a good example would be i like to eat thai food but if i kept hoping that someone would come and eat with me.. i won't get the chance to eat it becos people don't like it becos it is too spicy or it can give pimple or donno what stupid reason.. after the trip, i realise everyone just have to do something they like alone.. unless you have a soulmate.. but then ur spouse or your bf/gf might not be your soulmate.. they might just be someone of convience..

p/s: i am addicted to ER.. can't wait for hallmark channel.. DVD is so expensive.. gotta just watch it online..

p/s2: i simply hate studying for my 2 financial papers which i have to pass before i start work.. studying means eating plenty of snacks!! shit.. i am growing fatter!!

a yucky day today cos i am trying to rush 3 presentations.. so tmr i can devote myself the entire day to read about stems cell..

oh ya.. talking about travelling.. i guess travelling companions are very important for a good trip.. it seems so hard to find someone who has similar interest as you for travelling.. for me, eating is very important.. i feel that i must try the food whenever i go to new places.. my greatest regret was not being able to eat pork knuckles in germany.. so this time round, i am still thinking if there is a way that i could eat the pork knuckles over there.. i must survey those immersion people and identify those who like to eat and then hang around with them and hopefully i will get the chance to eat the pork knuckles with them.. haha.. tony said that the pork knuckles comes in 2 serving.. so i just need to find only 1 more person to eat that thing with me..

oh ya.. after the trip, i will travelling alone to paris and then to holland and germany.. i realise that it is pointless to go travel with someone who has diffferent interest from you.. becos if u want to eat in a restuarant but ur travelling companion simply want to fast (to the extend of not wanting to grab any bite) cos don't want to spend that money on food.. u cannot possibly ask her to wait outside the restuarant while u feast in it..

i guess there are many thing i want to do in germany.. they are thing that i should have done the last time but didn't get a chance to do so..

probably to some, i might sound pathetic travelling alone.. BUT i simply cannot find the right person who will go europe with me.. haiz.. nevertheless i will be more optimistic.. probably, 1 day xl will go europe with me after she save up.. shall we go italy and switzerland then?? italy and switzerland are places with many beautiful buildings.. since i cannot find the right person to go to these two places with me this time round, i have no choice but to give them a miss.. BUT i will be back.. hahaha..

seems like i am leaving sg quite soon.. i feel more jittery as the clock ticks.. there is so many thing that i havent do.. just email my prof a rough copy of the presentation slides.. initially he opposed to me presenting his research because he was scared of the leakage of priviliged information.. so the teacher-in-charge went to talk to him and then i could present.. BUT i have bad omens.. there is so many thing i cannot talk about.. so how should i answer during Q&A? hmmm.. i cannot tell u cos it is confidential? *Faint* i must think of better thing to say right? Moreover, it is torturous to do presentation on my honours project again.. i forgot nearly every single details of it and now i am forced to recall those dreadful stuff again.. BUT as i have good memory, i could remember it vividly but the fact that i have to hide quite alot of thing for the presentation makes me so sad.. i simply don't know what to do when 1 of the prof from the uni asked me qn during Q&A? i hate it because i want to do a spectacular presentation BUT i cannot.. haiz..

and i realised that i got to buy thing from my trip.. i want to buy quite some snacks for me to eat during my 17 days lonesome travelling BUT seems like i have problems with space allocation.. i doubt i have sufficient space to bring.. anyway, i guess i must do some serious work on packing my luggage OR i will buy too much food and they cannot fit into my luggage.. that will be funny.. as i will be carrying around 5.5kg of food stuff for my aunt during my trip, so i will try to be nice to km so he will help me bring back some stuff that i might buy during the immersion trip back to singapore first.. erm.. km, do you see this?? u will help me with it right?? haha.. =P

haiz.. still got a tuition this coming sat with my kid.. i don't know why i am so lazy to sms her to ask about her chemistry exams results.. haha.. 3 possibilties.. 1st, i can predict the results.. 2nd, i can predict the results.. 3rd, i can predict the results.. haha.. there was once my kid told me she got back her class test, and i asked her, so u failed by how many marks?? her reaction was, please la.. there is no one who will fail all the time.. and she passed!! from then on, i never asked her that question anymore though i m quite tempted to do so, for i don't want to be so belittling.. i m an educator and i should be encouraging.. haha.. i got this feeling that she might have passed her exams this times but she might not have attained 70 marks.. haiz.. her mum will definitely be talking about her grades to me this sat..

hmmm.. there is quite a major thing for me to attend on the 29th May, which is like 2 days before i fly.. hmmm.. i m not so jittery about it cos can then good, cannot also never mind.. but then what is stem cell? haha.. cell from a plant stem.. darn.. i got to read so many thing before 29th May because i don't want to make a fool of myself.. i doubt i only have to read on stem cells.. i got a bad omen!!

anyway, xc said that i should work in the bank.. esp private banks.. wat she said makes sense but am i going to throw my chemistry knowledge away?? i guess i might be a little reluctant to do so.. I am still weighing the pros and cons..

hmmm.. saw an email today.. was quite ambivalent.. should i be happy or sad?? at first, i was quite unhappy but then after re-considering, i realised that it might be a golden opportunity IF i am able of securing it.. however securing it might not be so easy because i must read quite alot.. i knew quite alot of thing but i don't know in details.. but then it is ok.. i am a very firm believer of fate.. what's mine will be mine.. BUT what is not mine, will never be mine..

oh ya.. so my trip.. i'll be back on the 8th July and I wil be leaving sg on the 30th June.. Actually i want to come back on the 10th July, only 1 day before commencement.. but then i could not get a seat!!!!!!!!! so i just have to make do with it..

probably this will be the last time i am going Münster.. because the next time i am going europe, i will be travelling to eastern europe which is quite out of the way..

oh ya.. got to go school on friday to meet prof to discuss what i can present about my honours project in germany.. school? haiz.. i simply dread going school..

it is just weird that i want to do so many thing BUT i am not taking actions.. hahaha..